Tag Archives: Star Wars

Holiday Mode (and Antidotes)

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KathyBefore Thanksgiving, I tried to warn myself that I wasn’t going to get much work done in December.

The bad news is, I was right.

Every year I try to convince myself that this is okay, that I have a flexible schedule and I should embrace that. I should just focus on my holiday prep and work on shorter writing projects if I have the time.

But I always get stuck in a weird tug-of-war with myself about whether it’s too soon to switch over to holiday mode, which means I end up feeling rushed when I’m finally ready. I honestly don’t know how to solve that one—I don’t want to spend all year getting ready for December, but December itself just doesn’t seem to have enough weeks.

So I end up not getting much work done AND stressing about the holidays. Not a great combo.

Here are a couple things that have worked for me this year, though. Without these strategies I would be feeling even more frazzled than I am right now!

  • Technology fasts. I’ve been reading a lot lately about how the internet is affecting our brains, and this article sums things up pretty nicely. Basically, all the back-and-forth drains our energy and gets us addicted to seeing something new all. the. time. The author’s solution: read more. Practice focusing deeply on something. So, most evenings I’ve been trying to turn off my devices early and settle down with a book instead. Between the holiday stress and all the upsetting things in the news lately, I think it’s been extra important for me to have a good long stretch of time offline.
  • Ditching the cards. I am so conflicted about this, but we are not sending Christmas cards this year. I love getting cards, and I love the tradition of sending holiday greetings, but this year the task was hanging over me and I decided to put it aside. The world hasn’t stopped turning yet, so maybe it’s okay? I also told myself it’s just for this year—next year I’ll re-evaluate and send some if I really want to.
  • Reminding myself what I’m looking forward to instead of focusing on the “have to’s”. Lately I’ve been trying to make a mental list of the good parts of each day, and this is kind of the same thing in reverse: thinking ahead to what’s fun instead of stressing about what’s not. On the list: making a gingerbread house with Doodlebug, going to see Star Wars Episode VII with my brother, and the new Sherlock that’s coming out January 1st. And (fingers crossed!) some good books for Christmas.

I hope the end of the year brings you some quiet time to reflect and to look ahead to 2016!

—Kathy

The Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging Mom

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Review of MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble

Kathy

The Emperor from Star Wars. Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. O’Brien from Downton Abbey. What do they have in common, other than being cruel, heartless, nasty pieces of work? They’re all INTJs on the Myers-Briggs scale.

Just like me.

I’ve known my type for a while now – iDad and I did a version of the Myers-Briggs personality assessment before we got married. It measures your preferences in four areas, each correlating to a letter:

  • Introversion vs. Extroversion: Do you draw energy from being alone or being with others?
  • Sensing vs. iNtuitive: Do you evaluate information pragmatically or by adding meaning?
  • Feeling vs. Thinking: Do you evaluate situations emotionally or logically?
  • Judging vs. Perceiving: Do you prefer to have a routine or go with the flow?

There’s a much more detailed breakdown on the Myers-Briggs Foundation website. And here’s a quick quiz if you’re interested in finding out your type. I have a strong preference for introversion and judging, and I was more middle-of-the-road on the other two. According to the people making up fun internet graphics, this adds up to being kinda evil.

So that’s why I was glad to read, in Janet P. Penley’s book MotherStyles, that INTJs are also “Individual Integrity” mothers. That sounds much more positive. The book talks about the strengths and struggles each of the 16 Myers-Briggs types faces as a mother. Penley argues that anyone can be a good parent by knowing what works (and doesn’t) for their personality.

Penley herself is an introvert (an INFJ), and she talks openly about her parenting burnout before she understood that fact. But she and her co-author interviewed hundreds of moms of all type-stripes, and after a nice introductory section that explains each attribute in depth, the book lists strengths and struggles for each type of mom.

I definitely identified with the INTJ challenges – the chaos of family life, having confidence in my mothering skills, and living a balanced life. And I will try to do a better job appreciating my strengths (according to Penley, that’s being a non-conformist, being persistent, thinking deeply, and expecting the best from myself and others).

Reading about the other 15 personality types will give you insight into how your own mom, your mother-in-law, your friends, and/or your spouse might operate. (Dads are definitely covered – Penley says 80% of what’s in the book also applies to fathers). One of the basic tenets of the Myers-Briggs system is that no one type is better than another – but people are different. Knowing what lights others up and what drains them is a good reminder that parenting isn’t easy for anyone, and that even though some things you struggle with come naturally to other people, the reverse is also true.

The technique applies to kids, too – starting around age 8, most kids are settled into their personalities enough for you to figure out where they land for each of these traits. Even if they’re younger, though, you can probably guess about certain things. Doodlebug has always loved imaginative play and art, which suggests she’s an Intuitive sort. And reading this book made me realize she falls on the Feeling side of the scale.

You can even type your family – if you know the personality type for each person, you can figure out which traits are dominant in your household. Like I’ve said before, our family is definitely an introverted one, which works great for the three of us. But if Doodlebug had turned out to be an extrovert? That would be challenging, for her and for her parents.

This led me to my biggest lightbulb moment – when I realized exactly why summer is so stressful for me. I always push myself to create a laidback, go-with-the-flow atmosphere for our family, which is exactly the opposite of how I prefer to operate. And, as Penley points out many times, working against your type is possible, but it’ll cost you.

So I will be taking my 2 hours of work time every day this summer. Because if not, I might turn into the kind of person who leaves bars of soap in dangerous locations, shoots blue lightning at Jedi knights, or joins the Death Eaters. You have all been warned.

— Kathy

P.S. There’s a whole MotherStyles website, with more info about the book, articles, and even a mini self-care plan for each type of mom.

Gold Leader, Stay on Target

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KathyFor the past few weeks I’ve been taking time off from my novel. I think/hope I’m getting close to finishing it, but I need a little distance before I can say for sure. So while the manuscript sits, untinkered with, on my computer, I’ve been catching up on the household stuff that fell by the wayside when I was in writing mode. Basically this has meant wrestling the craft room into submission and laundering All The Things, including that layer of miscellaneous stuff at the bottom of the hamper. Allllmost there…

Blocking out separate time for work and housework is a good strategy for me (and I know I’m lucky to have so much control over my schedule). I wish I could do it on a smaller scale, like maybe taking one day a week to work on house projects and spending the rest of my time on writing so I wouldn’t get so far behind. Unfortunately, my brain isn’t so good at that. When I get into a project, I like to stick with it until I’m finished, or at least until I reach a good stopping point.

Maybe it’s a writer thing – it’s important to stay immersed in your story, and I definitely lose momentum if I’m not writing regularly. It took me over five years to finish the writing project I started when I was pregnant with Doodlebug. This was partly because I’d chosen to focus on my mom role, but also because I had a hard time snapping out of it unless I got a big chunk of writing time. And I don’t mean two-hour-nap big. I mean Grandma’s-here-for-the-day big.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that introverts are at a disadvantage when it comes to switching gears. In this post, Susan Cain notes that we aren’t as good as extroverts at processing stimuli, mostly because we’re not just observing, we’re also evaluating at the same time. And – soapbox alert – multitasking isn’t really possible anyway. People’s brains can’t do more than one thing at a time, so what we’re really doing is switching back and forth over and over again.

And what is parenting except switching between a million different activities, sometimes from one minute to the next? This has been one of the hardest things for me, especially because you often can’t plan ahead. Short nap? Call from school saying your kid has a fever? You have to go into a different mode RIGHT NOW. It’s enough to make you crash your X-wing.

So I try to minimize as many distractions as I can. Putting down my phone and stepping away from social media for a few hours each evening is still key for me. Leaving enough time to get things done (like getting out the door in the morning) is important, too – worrying about being late doesn’t help anybody. And I’m thrilled that we’ve been listening to music more often, but I know that if I really need to focus on something, I still need to turn it off. If I’m not already bombarded by unnecessary attention-grabbers, it’s easier to be present when I’m in parenting mode.

Do you have trouble switching gears, too? Do you find it affects your parenting? And don’t you want this on a t-shirt now?

— Kathy

Why Introverted Moms Rock

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KathyNo one would ever accuse me of being the perfect mom. Like many people, though, I think I’m my own worst critic. If you’ve been following this blog, you’ve probably noticed that I often feel guilty about how my introversion affects my parenting.

So today I present an anti-guilt post. Because, you know what? It’s actually pretty awesome to have an introverted mom. Here’s why.

Book recommendations for life. I’ve already introduced Doodlebug to Lilly and her purple plastic purse, Trixie and Knuffle Bunny, Fancy Nancy, King Arthur, Laura Ingalls, Betsy Ray, Ramona Quimby, Chet Gecko, and Calvin and Hobbes. On deck: Harry Potter, Anne Shirley, Jo March, Hercule Poirot, Thursday Next, and many (MANY!) more.

No overscheduling. Right now, Doodlebug goes to Brownies every other week. That’s it. No all-day soccer Saturdays, no squeezing in an art class on Tuesday afternoons, no Spanish class before school. If she ever indicates that she wants to do one of those things, great. But so far she hasn’t, and I completely get it. My downtime was so crucial to me as a kid that I will respect and protect hers for her.

Braaaains. If kids came with instruction manuals, Doodlebug’s would definitely include a prescription for an hour of hard outside play every day. She needs it and we try to make sure she gets it, but let’s just say that I’m more… indoorsy. The good news about that is, many of my favorite activities are brain-builders in disguise, including:

  • Jigsaw puzzles – Doodlebug is currently helping me with a bike-themed one.
  • Trivia – my plan to turn her into a fellow Jeopardy addict is coming along nicely.
  • Mad Libs – hilarious, yes, but with a painless introduction to the parts of speech.

It’s pretty awesome to have an introverted dad, too – iDad is handling the engineering, computer science, and chemistry portions of her smart-by-way-of-fun curriculum.

Baked goods. Maybe this isn’t true for all introverts, but I love to get in the kitchen with some measuring cups. I will seize upon the slightest reason to bake something yummy, which means we usually celebrate Doodlebug’s half birthday with a half chocolate/half vanilla cake, and last May the 4th (aka Star Wars Day), this happened.

vader_cookies

So the next time I find my lack of faith in myself… disturbing, I will come back and read this post. And I hope you’ll remind yourself (often!) why your kids are lucky to have you, too.

— Kathy