Category Archives: Work

Holiday Mode (and Antidotes)

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KathyBefore Thanksgiving, I tried to warn myself that I wasn’t going to get much work done in December.

The bad news is, I was right.

Every year I try to convince myself that this is okay, that I have a flexible schedule and I should embrace that. I should just focus on my holiday prep and work on shorter writing projects if I have the time.

But I always get stuck in a weird tug-of-war with myself about whether it’s too soon to switch over to holiday mode, which means I end up feeling rushed when I’m finally ready. I honestly don’t know how to solve that one—I don’t want to spend all year getting ready for December, but December itself just doesn’t seem to have enough weeks.

So I end up not getting much work done AND stressing about the holidays. Not a great combo.

Here are a couple things that have worked for me this year, though. Without these strategies I would be feeling even more frazzled than I am right now!

  • Technology fasts. I’ve been reading a lot lately about how the internet is affecting our brains, and this article sums things up pretty nicely. Basically, all the back-and-forth drains our energy and gets us addicted to seeing something new all. the. time. The author’s solution: read more. Practice focusing deeply on something. So, most evenings I’ve been trying to turn off my devices early and settle down with a book instead. Between the holiday stress and all the upsetting things in the news lately, I think it’s been extra important for me to have a good long stretch of time offline.
  • Ditching the cards. I am so conflicted about this, but we are not sending Christmas cards this year. I love getting cards, and I love the tradition of sending holiday greetings, but this year the task was hanging over me and I decided to put it aside. The world hasn’t stopped turning yet, so maybe it’s okay? I also told myself it’s just for this year—next year I’ll re-evaluate and send some if I really want to.
  • Reminding myself what I’m looking forward to instead of focusing on the “have to’s”. Lately I’ve been trying to make a mental list of the good parts of each day, and this is kind of the same thing in reverse: thinking ahead to what’s fun instead of stressing about what’s not. On the list: making a gingerbread house with Doodlebug, going to see Star Wars Episode VII with my brother, and the new Sherlock that’s coming out January 1st. And (fingers crossed!) some good books for Christmas.

I hope the end of the year brings you some quiet time to reflect and to look ahead to 2016!

—Kathy

When Was the Last Time You Felt “Introverted Up”?

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We can think of a million and one things that drain our introvert energy tanks. But what about filling them up completely? Is that even possible? We say yes — occasionally.

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tiffany_head_128“The Golden Girls” is one of my most favorite television shows of all time, and Sophia Petrillo would be my most favorite Girl of them all. Girlfriend always kept it real and as soon as you heard her say “Picture it, Sicily, 1942” you knew you were in for a wacky story with (maybe) some sort of moral included.

Allow me to play Sophia for a moment: picture it, Buenos Aires, 2012. This was the last time my introvert energy tank was full.

Let me explain.

In September of 2012 I traveled to Brazil for work. Sunday through Wednesday I was in Rio de Janeiro and Wednesday through Thursday night I was in Sao Paulo. Parts of it were as glamorous as it sounds; the other, decidedly unglamorous parts were twelve hour days jammed with back-to-back meetings and public relations-type events. In short, it was Extrovert Paradise but Introvert Hell.

The final reception was Thursday evening and I had a 7 a.m. flight to Buenos Aires the next day – I had the weekend off and a few more meetings in B.A. on Monday. In spite of my exhaustion, the reception was fun and my colleagues and I had a great time. So much so that I drank way more than I should have, stayed out entirely too late, and, after two hours of sleep, woke up the next morning with a hangover the size of Brazil itself. To this day I consider it a minor miracle that I survived the cab ride, the airport, and the plane ride without barfing.

It was in this sorry state that I arrived at my Buenos Aires hotel. Schlepping my enormous suitcase up a small flight of stairs, head throbbing and stomach churning, I opened the door to my room. It was huge and sleek and modern and had a window that opened into an interior courtyard. Water gurgled quietly in a small fountain a few feet from the window. I pulled on my pajamas, popped more Advil, pounded a bottle of water, and burrowed into the bed.

This was the beginning of a weekend alone in a strange city in a strange country where I knew no one and no one knew me. I spent the next two delicious days in solitude, exploring various museums and neighborhoods and interacting with people only when I wanted. It was magical to rediscover the power of moving at my own pace and of simply being quiet — even in the midst of a bustling, cosmopolitan urban center.

My last meeting was over on Monday afternoon. During the mad dash to the airport I thought about whether or not I was ready to go home. And suddenly I was. I couldn’t wait to see Dreamy and Slim and Lunchbox and the full force of missing them washed over me like a tidal wave. I became acutely aware that I was an entire continent away from three people I love most in the entire world. Those two days in Buenos Aires were an incredible gift, but, my tank full, it was time to return to the roles that ground me and comprise so much of who I am.

It is somewhat startling to think that it’s been three years since I’ve felt completely “introverted up.” Of course there have been small pockets of time where I’ve been able to partially replenish but as we’ve seen it is difficult to find these pockets given the demands of two children, teaching, and General Life Stuff (laundry, that means you). Dreamy and I take them where we can and know that one day life won’t be as crazy.

Probably when we’re ready to check in to Shady Pines.

— Tiffany

KathyI’ve decided that Wednesday is my official Day Out.

Every fall when school starts, I resolve to get the most out of my week. This year I’d devised a new work schedule with blocks of time for writing and breaks in between, with a bigger chunk of time in the afternoon for errands or the ever-present Big House Projects. (Someday I WILL tackle the craft room!)

But I noticed something—when I’m in work mode, I don’t want to do errands. Having Monday and Tuesday to hole up in my office and write after a busy weekend is heavenly, and I like to finish the week with a good chunk of work time, too. But on Wednesday I just want to go out into the world. My mom and I usually take a long walk together in the morning, and I’ve been using the afternoon for shopping or errands.

Because here’s the thing—my introvert tank CAN get full. Sometimes too full. Working at home means that some days I only interact with Doodlebug and iDad, plus whatever time I spend on Facebook or email. And some days, that’s exactly what I want and need.

My house is quiet, and I love it. But other times I like the comfortable buzz of a bookstore or seeing a friendly face at the farmers market. Not a lot of stimulation—I certainly don’t find myself randomly taking off to a kids’ puppet show at the mall. If I can choose how to drain my tank, I’ll pick a quiet way—meeting with my writing group, seeing a movie with a friend, lunch out by myself. So far, it’s working.

— Kathy

What about you, fellow introverts? Does your tank ever get full? What are your favorite ways to empty it . . . on your terms?

The Paradox of Summer

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August is almost over and that means the end of summer.  We’ve got some thoughts on guilt, meltdowns, and how our months off might look different next year.

KathySummer Guilt, 2015 Edition

There is no question that Doodlebug learns something important every summer at camp. I don’t mean things like facts about rocks or a new art technique. I mean something about Life. One year, it was that new things are always easier with a friend. Last year, it was that sometimes you have to try new things on your own, but that you’ll survive and maybe even have fun.

This year, she learned that things sometimes look good on paper but turn out to be boring in real life. Also that some kids are just mean.

So yeah, camp didn’t go so well this time around. It didn’t help that iDad and I knew Doodlebug would much rather be home, doing Minecraft or reading or playing with Shopkins. Or, you know, spending time with us. Nothing like a tearful conversation about why parents still have to work all summer to make you question your priorities.

And part of me says, look, we do still have to work. She’s old enough to get that. We did all kinds of things together this summer. Two weeks of half-day camps—thirty hours out of an eleven-week summer—is not cruel and unusual. Yes, she had some rocky moments, but she made it through and I’m proud of her.

Another part of me says, yeah, but it’s camp. You always hated it yourself. Remember Vacation Bible School? Remember the Girl Scout day camp? <shudder> I’m an introvert raising an introvert. I know that camp might turn out to be fun, or it might be a giant drain on your energy tank. That’s the opposite of what summer is for.

So this, I’ve concluded, is the paradox of summer: I feel like I can only gain time for myself by taking it away from Doodlebug. The two weeks of camp were great for iDad and me. We both got much more done without having to scramble around and cover each other’s work time. I felt like I could think straight again after being pulled in a million different directions for weeks. It was a good feeling. But it came at the price of an unhappy kid. Why hello, guilt. So nice of you to join us.

I never feel guilty about sending her to school, just like I never felt guilty about putting her down for a nap when she was two—those are things that have to happen. Learning and sleeping are her jobs, jobs that just happen to come with a side of alone time for me. But camp is different. Camp is optional, and so who is it for? Her, or me? And if it’s for me, is that okay? My head says yes, my heart says no.

So next year, we’ll see. Maybe we’ll try going camp-free, and maybe she can have some sort of long-term summer project to give us some structure. You know I love structure. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure this all out before she turns 18 . . . right?

— Kathy

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Mega Monster Meltdown

Or, the Afternoon I Wished Parenting Weren’t One of My Core Personal Projects

“We’ve all been there,” she said, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I muttered something like “Thanks” or “Do you want him?” as I walked by her, struggling to contain Lunchbox.

What started as a small disagreement had escalated to a meltdown; I calmly told him it was time to leave the pool. He lost it and suddenly we were at DEFCON 2 in terms of his behavior.  I slung him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes while he kicked and screamed “Nooooooooooooo!!” at the top of his lungs. I was mortified. All eyes were on us as we trudged toward the exit.

After fighting to buckle him into his carseat, I turned on the car and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking and I felt like barfing. This was my worst fear — that my first summer with the kids would be filled with these types of episodes. Could I handle them? What would I do if I lost my temper completely and did something I’d regret? I knew the tantrum would eventually fizzle out and that a cocktail (or four) would help calm me down, but what, if anything, could or should I do to prevent this type of situation? Both Slim and Lunchbox had had their moments, but this was one, if not THE, worst one yet.

Developing a strategy for my first Teacher Mom Summer (TMS) had taken some time. Dreamy and I decided not to enroll the kids in any camps, hoping to save money, and I wanted them to sleep late, eat breakfast in their pjs, and, in general, be lazy. I asked Slim and Lunchbox about things they’d like to do and we came up with a list. We’d do one Big Thing each week (a movie, a museum trip, Lunch with Daddy) and divide up the the rest of the days with visits to the pool, the park, and play dates. Chore and Screen Time would be worked in as well.

This worked for a few weeks. The routine was nice but interrupted by some bigger projects I had hoped to accomplish during the break (such as cleaning, redecorating, and organizing Slim’s “Hoarders” episode-ready room). The kids were frustrated and acted out accordingly; I felt guilty and selfish for not making our plans a priority.

So, old conflict, new circumstances: where’s the line between your own goals and Mom responsibilities? Crossing things off my To Do list helps me feel accomplished, and usually my projects provide much-needed time to myself as well. In an effort to recalibrate I tried working on my stuff in the mornings and doing our planned activities in the afternoon. The result? Progress on Slim’s room slowed and both of them spent waaaay too much time staring at screens. I don’t have an answer but am thinking that my TMS flow will take time to evolve, much like my school-life flow (see my previous post).

As we hurtle towards a new school year, I already know next summer will look a bit different: one or two camps per kid; two or three dedicated afternoons to myself each week; and perhaps better expectations management on my part. Maybe such a plan will help us avoid mega monster meltdowns and me wishing for an extended and semi-permanent break from motherhood.

Thoughts please, fellow Introverted Moms!

— Tiffany

Change Is a Doubled-Edged Sword

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tiffany_head_256

Yes, it’s me. The alleged co-author of this blog. I am mindful that this will be my second “Where Have I Been” post; please note it will be my last “Where Have I Been” post and my first as a more committed writer and member of our lovely little community.

As you might remember last year was my first year as a teacher. I’d slogged through a training program, quit my horrible and much-hated job, and began a new career as middle school creative writing instructor. I discovered that while teaching feeds many parts of my soul – creatively, intellectually, and emotionally – it is also the most exhausting thing I have ever done.

Hence the title of this post: one side of this sword-of-change sliced through the scar tissue of my previous existence and liberated my true self; the other side, however, slashes an enormous hole in my energy tank, causing that precious resource to hemorrhage at a terrifying rate. Most times at the end of the day, or week, or month, I was fried and had nothing left to put out there. And when forced to choose between all the great ideas and topics in my head or myself, I chose me.

Summer has given me time to reflect on the positive aspects of this change and, to echo Kathy’s “Under the Wire”  post, there are two major successes to report. The first is simple: I finally feel like myself again after many years of … well, not. And while it may seem contradictory to think that interacting with over 100 students a day (and parents and administrators and counselors … the list goes on) makes me a better introvert, it does. All this extroverting contributes towards one of my core personal projects – teaching – and thus makes me happy.

Plus, now I can now be goofy and silly. I can wear blue nail polish and dye my hair pink if I want to and NO ONE WILL CARE. Suppressing this person for so long was bad-exhausting; letting this person out is feels-so-good exhausting. I may be tired, but it is truly wonderful to wake up and know I get to be myself and not someone defined by a job or title.

Another benefit is being a better parent. An example: this spring I actually planned weekend activities. Previously I viewed museum visits or road trips as exercises in energy depletion, and I would often stay home and recharge when Dreamy took Slim and Lunchbox out.  Now, especially that it’s summer, I enjoy cooking up adventures for us to have. So far we’ve gone to the movies, a play, museums, AND a few road trips.

Another benefit? I’ve been able to enjoy my children rather than simply managing them. We’ve played games (Lunchbox is a total cheater at “Candyland”), dress-up, and taken long walks together. We’ve cuddled in bed reading books and made up silly games.  Am I tired at the end of the day? Yes. But again, it’s a good tired. It’s an “I Did Something Fun” tired. Parenting is also (presumably) one of my core personal projects and spending more time with Slim and Lunchbox has been a huge eye-opener in the best possible way.

Side note: summer has also meant adjusting to a whole new different kind of momhood. The learning curve has been brutal at times. More in my next post.

This year has been tough, with the sword of change whipping back and forth doing its thing. Now, however, in my mind the sword is horizontal and still (kind of like this). I have developed better tools to recognize when I’m veering too close to the negative side and its detrimental effects. “Balance” is not a word I believe in using when discussing career and life management but I can say this: my career and life management “flow” (yay Susan Cain!) is in a good place. Let’s cross our fingers and hope it stays there.

— Tiffany

 

Survival Mode

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KathyWell, here we are in Week 5 of our bathroom renovation project. Five weeks of workers in and out of the house, of pounding and drills and dust. Last month, I optimistically put “Bathrooms Done!” on the calendar for next Monday. A couple weeks ago I changed it to “Bathrooms Done?” Now I’m thinking of updating it to “HAHAHAHA Yeah Right.”

Remodeling projects, it turns out, are yet another chance for me to practice being flexible, to remember that nothing ever really goes as planned. Of course they’ve gotten behind schedule. Of course the electrician says he’ll come at 8 AM and then never shows up. Of course the water gets shut off right when you arrive home with a tired kiddo who really needs lunch.

As I sat in the family room (AKA my makeshift office) trying to work but listening with one ear for the sound of a van pulling up out front, I had a flashback to Doodlebug’s baby days. Back then, I never knew when my focus would be broken either, if naptime would last three hours or forty minutes. I never knew if I had a nice chunk of writing time coming to me or an afternoon of soothing a tired girl who’d woken up before she was ready.

And I realized that, during this renovation, I’ve been drawing on some of the same strategies I used back then. For a couple of years I was lucky enough to have my mom come and stay with Doodlebug one day a week. I would head to the library with my laptop and enjoy the peace, quiet, and chunks of uninterrupted time. I’ve been doing the same thing off and on for the past month, at the same library, while iDad holds down the fort at home. It’s not my usual routine, but I remember it well enough, and that feels good.

One of my mantras these days is “Just get your two hours.” Two hours of work a day seems to be the bare minimum I need to feel like I’m moving forward, and I’ve been trying to stick to that. If I get more time, fantastic. But if not I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. This also takes me back to the little kid days when I would use Doodlebug’s preschool time for writing. It only ever ended up being about two hours in one go, but it was something. And something is better than nothing.

And, as I keep reminding myself, not writing does not = nothing. It’s just . . . something else. I spent most of Bathroom Week 2 wrangling Doodlebug during spring break, and then Week 3 was spent planning her birthday party. Did I get much writing done? No. Did I get other important family stuff done? Yes. I had that constant struggle for balance when she was younger, too.

Maybe the most important thing about this experience, though, is that it’s reminded me that those days are gone. The days of the baby monitor and nap schedules and preschool mornings—that’s not my life anymore.

Things DO change. That’s so hard to remember when you’re in survival mode, but it’s true. I’m not going to promise that things will get better, because with parenting there always seems to be some new challenge just when you least expect it. But nothing lasts forever.

Even bathroom renovations. I hope.

— Kathy

The “Nice” List (of Links!)

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KathyTiffany and I will be back in a couple weeks with some end-of-the-year thoughts, but in the meantime, here are some things I’ve been reading lately — on holidays, parenting, and introverting! I hope you are all finding some time for yourselves during this busy month.

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As a mom and a writer who works from home, this piece by Vanessa Hua for the Washington Post had me nodding again and again. I’ve been feeling unhappy lately about giving more time to the “life” side of my work/life balance, mainly in the form of holiday prep. It’s not just guilt — I really do feel happier when I’m writing. The whole point of having a flexible schedule is being flexible, though, so why can’t I let myself feel grateful for having that extra time? I need to find a way to embrace it, not beat myself up about it.

Along those lines, here are some tips on being kind to yourself during the holidays from The Business of Introverts. I’m personally giving myself the gift of sleep, or trying to, anyway. My brain is giving me the gift of waking up an hour before I need to. Thanks?

Raise your hand if you’re looking for ways to minimize your time in a mall this season. Yeah, me too. Lots of great ideas in this post from Parent Hacks. I am all about food gifts, experiences, and donations.

Anglophile alert: If you have been extra good this year check out Sacred Introvert’s 2015 retreat tour to the UK, which includes Glastonbury, Stonehenge, and the city of Bath, AKA some of the coolest places I’ve ever visited. The tour is designed for introverts and will include plenty of chances to set your own schedule.

Finally, I’m blocking out this afternoon for Carolyn Hax’s Hootenanny of Holiday Horrors, one of my favorite holiday traditions. You can’t get much more festive than this chat filled with holiday disasters. If you can’t join in live, read the transcript later. Warning: Then you will want to go back and read ALL the transcripts, but that’s okay because this definitely counts as downtime. Consider it my holiday gift to you.

— Kathy

I Am … Queen LaTeacha

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tiffany_head_128“So, if you’re such an introvert, how are you going to manage interacting with a hundred students each day?” — Dreamy

“Wait, you’re an introvert?  Why do you hang out with us then?” — Anthony, eighth grader

I asked myself these questions, or variations of them, multiple times over the past few years. The best answer I can offer goes something like this: remember a few years ago when Beyoncé released an album called I Am … Sasha Fierce? While promoting the record she explained Sasha Fierce is her onstage personality who emerges during the superstar’s showstopping performances. Sasha is confident, in control, and a force to be reckoned with. In other words, as Beyoncé’s alter ego, Sasha owns it.

My teacher alter ego is named Queen LaTeacha. She takes the stage Monday through Friday from 7:50 a.m. to 11:17 a.m. The Queen is animated, expressive, outgoing, and – dare I say? – an extrovert. That said, however, by the end of my last class I am wiped. out.

Recharging begins at precisely 11:21 a.m., after my students have left and the hallways have cleared. I close my classroom door, sit down, and exhale. Sometimes I stare at the wall for a few minutes, sometimes I put on some music and begin puttering around the room, stacking chairs and tidying up. Organizing helps me feel in control, and that feeling, combined with a few moments of quiet , has so far helped me to refocus before taking on grading, planning, and preparing for the next day.

What I wondered about most was how does this switcheroo happen, exactly? How am I able to suddenly and seamlessly switch from my introverted self to Queen LaTeacha?

As usual Susan Cain comes to the rescue. Chapter nine of Quiet is simply revelatory. She profiles Professor Brian Little, a popular lecturer and professor whose work on personality and motivational psychology is groundbreaking. Little’s work helped me to identify teaching as one of my “core personal projects” (p. 209) and thus helped me to understand how these two parts of my personality work together in service of a larger goal or mission. I am motivated, passionate, and plain ol’ excited about this new path, and feeling this way enables my extroverted traits to take center stage.

How does this alter ego business affect parenting? Now more than ever I am acutely aware of the need to better manage my energy levels. And, as we’ve seen, I am not very good at this.  It is critical I reserve energy for my own kids, not just the ones I teach. My husband needs some too, as do friends and other family members.

As Kathy notes, parenting is also a core personal project which requires loads of additional energy. So do I still feel crunched and pressured to be “on” most of the time? Of course. But here’s the thing: my job makes me happy, and this seems to offset some of the adverse effects of so much extroverting. As long as small chunks of the day can be reserved for recharging I am confident this new lifestyle will sort itself out. That’s the only way I can see these various pieces fitting together to create a healthy and unified whole.

Unless you, dear readers, have ideas. The Queen is taking any and all suggestions.

— Tiffany

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KathySchool can actually be a great place to be an introvert – for students, I mean. Lots of structure, stretches of quiet where you’re expected to focus on your own work, and plenty of opportunities to read and write. But it can also be loud, chaotic, and severely draining.

That’s not just my perspective as an adult returning to volunteer (or sneaking in to drop off cupcakes). I have very clear memories of seventh grade and the relief I felt when I was finally deemed old enough to come home to an empty house. Before that I went to a series of babysitters after school with bunches of other kids, and while that was definitely fun (kind of like having a rotating group of extra siblings through the years), it added an extra couple hours of “on” time to the end of an already-long school day.

Middle school was also when all the angsty friend/boy drama kicked into high gear, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after school I gorged on alone time, happily watching Guiding Light, playing Tetris, and writing stories until the rest of my family got home. High school wasn’t much less draining in that respect – I can remember sighing to my mom that “At school you have to be nice to everyone all the time.”

So I think I’m extra aware that my little introvert needs her own downtime after school. Doodlebug’s only extracurricular activity right now is Brownies, and that’s one night each month. On top of a standing appointment she has once a week, that’s it. I would love to get her into an art class or swimming lessons, but I’m wary of messing with a schedule that already seems tight for her. On afternoons when I have to drag her on an errand or three, I grit my teeth and anticipate a dinnertime meltdown. Possibly from either one of us – it’s draining for me, too!

And after reading articles like this interview with our hero Susan Cain, I’m wondering more about ways Doodlebug can grab pockets of quiet time during the school day. Her class’s schedule seems to have several self-directed components, which is great, and they have reading time each day. But they are still sitting at tables, not desks, even though they’re third graders. I hope this ends next year – sometimes everyone just needs their own space, even extroverts.

Doodlebug has been lucky so far to get teachers who understand that she needs time to warm up and who push her just far enough. And I’m excited about the ways technology will let her and other younger introverts contribute in class at their own speed. I never felt comfortable jumping into a classroom debate at 90 mph, but I would have loved having a class blog or message board.

Or a Guiding Light message board! Ohhh, the hours I could have wasted after school on that!

— Kathy

Rebalancing Act

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KathyI didn’t make it to the farmers market this week.

I didn’t finish sorting Doodlebug’s papers from second grade. Or technically start sorting Doodlebug’s papers from second grade. I didn’t catch up on all the newsletters that I let pile up over the summer, or post more on our Twitter account, or get a handle on Mount Laundry.

I didn’t write a long blog post.

There’s a lot to do in the first week of school – not just filling out the forms, or finding my lunch-packing mojo, or pumping Doodlebug for intel about what goes on during the day. (Maybe this will be the year that I can finally keep all of her specials straight.)

Suddenly I have nearly seven straight hours to myself each day, and there are so many activities I could fill those hours with. Usually I am itching to get back to my novel-in-progress, but in looking back I see that I actually spent a good amount of time with it this summer. Thanks, Notebook of Power!

So this week included work, but also stuff like exercise (oh yeah, that), and remembering which doctor’s appointments I need to schedule, and planning meals before I go to the grocery store. Maybe if I’d spent less time reading posts from Brain Pickings I could have squeezed the farmers market in too. But we have enough food. Maybe I should have started another load of laundry instead of turning on The Daily Show, but we have enough clean underwear to get through the weekend.

This week was a chance to let my brain relax, expand, readjust. I have next week to get caught up, and the week after that, and the week after that, all the way until June. Happy back-to-school, introverted moms. I think it’s going to be a great year.

— Kathy

Summer Shake-Up

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KathyEvery year I think I’m prepared for summer, and every year I’m… not. As I was reading Jennifer Senior’s book All Joy and No Fun last week, I think I hit on part of the reason why. The book (which is great, by the way – I hope to do a review soon) starts with a section on autonomy. Senior argues that one of the toughest adjustments for new parents is giving up the control they’ve come to enjoy over their lives and their time.

And I realized that summer is, each year, a little like becoming a parent all over again. After a stretch of mostly organizing my own time, I have to readjust my schedule to make room for another person, meeting Doodlebug’s needs without losing myself in the process. And as I’ve already discussed, that was tough for me. Really tough. It’s not just the lack of routine that makes it hard, it’s also the loss of control.

I find myself falling back on some of the same strategies that got me through the baby days, especially Do the Most Important Thing First. When I have my precious two hours of writing time, I can’t let myself fall down an Internet rabbit hole or get distracted by laundry. I’m retraining myself to save those chores/rewards for times when I’m “on duty” with Doodlebug but she’s absorbed in her own play. Independent play = the new nap time!

Other strategies I relied on for staying sane, like Wear Her in the Sling While We Watch Lost, don’t work as well these days. And, while I love the fact that iDad and I both work at home now, it adds an extra layer of complexity to our schedule. Not only am I stressing that I’m not getting work done and that I’m not spending enough time with Doodlebug, now I’m also stressing that iDad isn’t getting enough work time.

Things will get both easier and more complicated as the summer goes on – so far we’ve been hanging out at home, letting Doodlebug decompress from the school year and squeezing in work time when we can. Coming up, though, we have camps and trips, some of which are of the grandparent variety (translation: sleepovers!). All that’s good, for Doodlebug and for our work schedules, but it’s a lot of changes in a short space of time. And we all know how well I do with that.

notebook_of_powerI do have one new strategy I plan to keep in place: my Notebook of Power. I am huge on lists – there is something so satisfying about finishing a task and then checking it off. I have even been known to write down jobs I’ve already finished just so I can mark them as done. (What? It’s something I accomplished! I should definitely get credit.)

So during the school year, every month I make a list of writing goals in my To Do notebook. Every week I make a list of tasks. And every day I write out 5-10 things I plan to do, including work and non-work items. In past summers I’ve let these lists slide, which means I lose that concrete proof that I’m getting things done. But this summer I’ve committed to sticking with my lists. Even if I don’t accomplish as much as I do during the school year (and I know I won’t), the summer won’t look like a giant black hole of wasted time when I flip through my notebook in September.

I know some of you guys have been in the summer trenches waaaay longer than we have – school got out crazy late here this year. How are things going at your house?

— Kathy

Leadership in Lowercase

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KathyAfter the recent brouhaha over Sheryl Sandberg’s Ban Bossy campaign, I looked over the website’s materials for girls, parents, and teachers. There’s a lot of good stuff there, urging girls to speak up about what’s important to them and giving adults strategies for helping them be heard.

I wouldn’t be sorry to see the word bossy fade away. I can see that fear of being called something negative could make some girls reluctant to speak up. But my bigger issue is with a word that’s all over the materials created by Sandberg and the Girl Scouts, who are co-sponsoring the campaign: Leadership.

I haven’t read Sandberg’s book Lean In, but I know she wants more women to hold positions of power in the corporate world. In the “Leadership Tips for Girls” handout on the Ban Bossy website, these numbers are front and center: Women make up just 19% of Congress, 17% of corporate boards, and 5% of Fortune 1,000 CEO positions. I don’t like those numbers any more than she does – I’d love to see women equally represented in government and business.

However. Not everyone wants to be that kind of leader. Obviously those big-ticket positions are not her only goal – there are many possible stepping stones or stopping points, so I’ll say this, too: Not everyone wants to be the director of a library division (a possible career trajectory for me if I hadn’t changed my path). Not everyone wants to be the head room parent for her daughter’s class.

A friend sent me this article from The Atlantic in response to Ban Bossy, which points out (again) that introverts can be excellent leaders, thank you very much. “[S]ome girls prefer to plot their world domination quietly,” notes Olga Khazan.

I agree with her that some tips in the handout for girls seem anti-quiet. #1, Speak Up in Class, with the added instruction of “Avoid editing what you want to say in your head” beforehand. Wha? Thanks for invalidating my entire thinking process.

Others, though, I really like. #7, Trust Your Inner Voice, recommends keeping a journal if you don’t want to share your thoughts out loud. Or #5, Don’t Do Everyone Else’s Work, which is essential for group projects at school but also a good reminder for parents who need to resist picking up everyone else’s dirty socks.

That’s where I think the emphasis on Leadership is missing the mark: these are not leadership tips, they’re life tips. The handout is full of techniques for being true to yourself and navigating relationships. Girls and boys should know this stuff. But I disagree that the logical next step after #3, Challenge Yourself, is Run Something.

Maybe you’d rather make jewelry, or research cures for cancer, or introduce kids to J. K. Rowling, or be the next J. K. Rowling.

Maybe you’d rather blog.

The handout notes that our society hasn’t quite figured out how powerful it wants girls to be. But there’s more than one way to be powerful, and I’m afraid some girls will read these materials and hear “Your way is wrong.” That’s not a message I want to send to my daughter, or to anyone else’s.

— Kathy