Category Archives: Parenting

Snowzilla? S’No Fun.

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The Moms live on the Eastern Seaboard and got to experience the record-setting Snowzilla blizzard a few weeks back. Introverts love staying home, right? What could go wrong? Read on …

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Snowzilla: A Multimedia Presentation

Or, How Introvert Paradise Turned Into Introvert Hell

Day 1

No school! No school! No snow on the ground? Whatever. I’ll take it.

Big storm hits tomorrow around noon. I’d better start thinking about stocking up. But the store will be crazy! I’ll go tomorrow. With the kids. Even though that’s my idea of the tenth circle of Hell.

Day 2

Wake up!  Get going! Only four hours until The Storm Hits.

This song is playing on an endless loop in my head.

Play Doh. Check. Monster High doll. Check. Milk flashlight eggs batteries blah blah blah. Check.

Korean fried chicken. Check. Booze. Checkedy check.

OMG you guys it’s snowing! Right on schedule. This is going to be SO FUN.

Hey friends! C’mon in! Let’s have some pizza and drinks. FUN.

Day 3

Look at how pretty it is! And how still everything it is outside. I am staying in my pajamas all day.

Sure, you can watch “Wreck It Ralph.” I love that Sarah Silverman.

Putter putter putter putting stuff away feels fantastic. Being shut inside is Introvert Paradise.

Who’s hungry for lunch? Grilled cheese, soup, veggies, hot cocoa!

Family time is incredible. We’re talking to each other and laughing and I love them so so so much.

Happy hour starts at 5. Oh, ok. 4:30.

Day 4

It is STILL snowing. And it’s gorgeous. White and pristine and gorgeous. Snowy snow snow.

It’s 9:30 a.m. I am going to take a bubble bath. Just because I can.

You two are watching “Wreck It Ralph” again? John C. Reilly really does a great job in this, doesn’t he?

Snacks? Sure! How about popcorn and warm apple cider? Perfect blizzard food.

I’d better do some laundry. It’s starting to pile up.

Happy hour at 4:30. Who’s in?

Day 5

Today is Cleaning Day! I’ve got bleach and a toothbrush and I am NOT afraid to use them, people.

Dust scrub vacuum mop …. where did all this … grime … come from? We are disgusting.

You’re hungry? Here is some cheese and crackers and an apple.

Where did all this laundry come from? I’ve been wearing the same clothes for three days. Stop changing clothes every twenty minutes!

Was that the plow?  Awesome! Oh, wait. Dreamy just shoveled the driveway and it is now filled up with a gazillion feet of snow again.

Anyone want to play “Uno”? “Go Fish”? No? You want to watch “Wreck It Ralph”? Fine but this is the LAST TIME.

Is it 4:30 yet? Because I’m not having much fun right now.

Day 6

No I am not making pancakes today; we had that for dinner last night. Eggs and toast for everyone!

What are we doing today? I don’t know. What day even is it?

If you guys don’t let me use the bathroom by myself someone is going to get hurt.

Why are you hungry? You JUST ATE.

See this door? I am closing it for a reason.

It’s only 2:00. Dammit. Two and a half hours to go.

Oh, Hell. Two hours.

Day 7

Wait, what? You’re going to work? You’re leaving?? Don’t go, Dreamy. PLEASE DON’T GO.

If I hear Silverman’s screechy screech nails-on-a-chalkboard squawk one more time I am going to LOSE IT.

Anyone for a play date? Anyone?

Here’s your lunch. Turkey, bread, and some chips. You don’t like it? Make it your own damn self.

What day is it?

#$(&. 11 a.m.

Day 8

WHERE ARE ALL THESE DIRTY CLOTHES COMING FROM?????

Day 9

I don’t remember anything before this blizzard except that I hate snow and I never want to see any again. Ever.

How does one put on mascara? Oh, right.

A screwdriver. Is it too early for a screwdriver?

Stop talking to me. Stop. Talking. Right now.

Day 10

#($*ing snow. I hate it.

That’s it. I am done with you people. ALL OF YOU.

I need OUT. NOW. Preferably by myself. And I might not come back.

— Tiffany

 

KathyHere’s how snow days usually go at my house: iDad and I try to fit in a couple hours of work apiece, usually with a side of baking/sledding/movie time with Doodlebug. I know we’re lucky to work from home—no scrambling for alternative child care or commuting in bad weather. Honestly, though, it’s still complicated, especially if it’s a big storm and Doodlebug is off school for more than a couple of days. Between juggling schedules and the hit to my quiet time, I end up frustrated and cranky.

Here’s how snow days went during Snowzilla: iDad left for a conference in California before the storm hit and was stranded there until flights got back on schedule. I was on my own with Doodlebug for a week, a week which included only one day of school. I accomplished . . . nothing. Other than surviving.

And I actually did enjoy large parts of it. Doodlebug and I watched movies, listened to audiobooks, and got hooked on “Kids Baking Championship.” I started reading her The Long Winter, one of my favorite Laura Ingalls Wilder books. She scaled snow piles and had a couple playdates with Princess Slim. I only had a few episodes of sobbing alone in my room. (Seven days of solo parenting is a LONG time, you guys. My winter hat is off to single parents.)

The whole thing was a reminder that snow days are an excuse to slow down, to blow off that to-do list, to just hang out with my family. So it was a good lesson, right?

Yes and no. I wasn’t exactly in need of a vacation—the whole thing went down a mere two weeks after our winter break, so I had barely gotten back into a writing groove when the weather gods cruelly snatched it away. I knew that things would be tough enough with iDad gone, so I didn’t even try to fit in writing time. The good news is that I didn’t feel pulled toward my office like I usually do during a long stretch of snow days. But I feel like I lost more than just work time.

Writing is special kind of quiet time for me. It lets me create stories in my head, play with new ideas, make connections, and stretch my mental muscles. And I know, from many attempts to do otherwise, that I can’t knock out a chapter or a blog post in a hurry while Doodlebug is momentarily distracted. That makes me more frazzled, not less. So even though we did plenty of quiet things during those seven days, they didn’t fill me up the same way filling a page with words does.

Was ignoring my writing the right approach for this storm? Definitely. But if we have any more multi-day snow events this winter (please no), that strategy won’t fly. Here’s what I will try—treating the first snow day as pure vacation and then playing the work-life balance game for the rest of the time.

The happy ending to this story is that iDad got home safely, we dug out, and school started again eventually. My reward: a long weekend to myself while Doodlebug and iDad went skiing with his parents. Lots of writing, no sobbing, and NO SNOW!

— Kathy

 

 

 

Alone Together (Or Not)

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Normally Kathy and I “write blind” – that is, we select a topic, write our pieces, and then compare notes. For this post, however, I read hers first. And I am so glad I did because our perspectives could not be more different.

With two small people the challenges of keeping them both happy multiply. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I’m doing a puzzle with Lunchbox and Slim is playing in her room, or when Slim and I are working on her homework and Lunchbox is playing on his iPad or goofing off with Dreamy. These bursts of relative contentment last only as long as someone’s good mood, unfortunately, and Dreamy and I constantly drift back and forth between the two kids. Thus we don’t have the same type of togetherness as what Kathy describes; ours is more fluid and free-flowing.

Together time can be better managed by splitting up – a way for parent and child to bond without completely wiping out said parent’s energy. While not ideal, it is a good strategy for some activities and errands. Dreamy will take Slim to a Girl Scout event, for example, while Lunchbox and I go to the park or to get the groceries. They each get a parent to themselves (win!) and this sort of concentrated one-on-one time works best with my introversion (win!). Plus, sometimes I find it overwhelming doing things as a foursome given the age, gender, and temperament differences between Slim and Lunchbox (and shoot, let’s be real here, sometimes between Dreamy and me).  But that’s a subject for another post.

The idea of “alone together” time is lovely in theory but in practice it often doesn’t work at my house. Sometimes, though, particularly with Slim, we can pull this off, such as cuddling in bed at night, each engrossed in our own books. And I as I write this, Lunchbox is jamming away on the Wii. So even though the Mario Kart music is blasting in my ear, he’s happily in his own universe while I’m toodling along in mine.   

This gives me hope for the future.  As Slim careens towards the Tween Years, I want for us to do things together, to have a shared interest. We both like baking and maybe a cake decorating class is in our future. Same goes for Lunchbox – he and I can resume our mini-nature hikes in the spring if he decides to begin wearing pants on the regular.

Until then we shall muddle through. With earplugs, because I really hate Mario Kart.

 

Parallel Play

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KathyMy favorite part of each day, hands down, is reading time. Each night before Doodlebug goes to bed the whole family sits down together—first iDad or I will read from our read-aloud book, then we’ll all read our own books silently. I don’t know how long Doodlebug will let us read to her, but we’ll try to keep it going as long as we can.

My most favorite part of reading time, though, is when we read to ourselves. There’s something especially cozy about being together but doing different things—it makes me think of toddlers absorbed in parallel play, aware of each other but immersed in their own experience. This is the good kind of being alone together, and I lately I’ve been on the lookout for other ways to capture that same feeling.

For instance:

  • Doodlebug and I took a parent-child art class together this fall, which went really well. I’ll admit that sometimes it was hard to drag myself out the door for class, but once we were there we both enjoyed the time to be creative side by side. We each worked on separate drawings but we learned the same techniques, and it was fun to show off our creations to iDad afterwards. Now that the class is over, I’d like to try and create similar arts and crafts sessions at home.
  • Walking home from school together is technically doing the same thing at the same time, I guess, although usually Doodlebug rides her scooter while I walk. So I’m counting it! It’s a good way to steal some conversation time before I lose her to Minecraft after school. If we’re in the car, I maybe get three sentences out of her before the audiobook comes on, but if we walk, I hear about what happened at recess, how the test went, what they did in music. But also sometimes we’re just quiet together, and that’s good too. Now that the weather is (finally!) cold and we drive more often, I really miss this time.
  • Maybe this last one sounds dumb, but I also kind of love homework time. (When it’s going smoothly, that is—we’ve had our share of meltdowns this school year.) But when Doodlebug is working at the kitchen table, iDad is doing the dishes, and I’m puttering around with bills or laundry, I get that same cozy feeling. It’s one of the only times I feel like maybe I could manage living in one of those tiny houses I keep seeing on HGTV. The rest of the time I feel like those would be an introvert’s worst nightmare, aaaiiieee!

What about you, fellow introverts? Does your family have activities you like to do together…ish? Please share so I can steal them!

— Kathy

The Paradox of Summer

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August is almost over and that means the end of summer.  We’ve got some thoughts on guilt, meltdowns, and how our months off might look different next year.

KathySummer Guilt, 2015 Edition

There is no question that Doodlebug learns something important every summer at camp. I don’t mean things like facts about rocks or a new art technique. I mean something about Life. One year, it was that new things are always easier with a friend. Last year, it was that sometimes you have to try new things on your own, but that you’ll survive and maybe even have fun.

This year, she learned that things sometimes look good on paper but turn out to be boring in real life. Also that some kids are just mean.

So yeah, camp didn’t go so well this time around. It didn’t help that iDad and I knew Doodlebug would much rather be home, doing Minecraft or reading or playing with Shopkins. Or, you know, spending time with us. Nothing like a tearful conversation about why parents still have to work all summer to make you question your priorities.

And part of me says, look, we do still have to work. She’s old enough to get that. We did all kinds of things together this summer. Two weeks of half-day camps—thirty hours out of an eleven-week summer—is not cruel and unusual. Yes, she had some rocky moments, but she made it through and I’m proud of her.

Another part of me says, yeah, but it’s camp. You always hated it yourself. Remember Vacation Bible School? Remember the Girl Scout day camp? <shudder> I’m an introvert raising an introvert. I know that camp might turn out to be fun, or it might be a giant drain on your energy tank. That’s the opposite of what summer is for.

So this, I’ve concluded, is the paradox of summer: I feel like I can only gain time for myself by taking it away from Doodlebug. The two weeks of camp were great for iDad and me. We both got much more done without having to scramble around and cover each other’s work time. I felt like I could think straight again after being pulled in a million different directions for weeks. It was a good feeling. But it came at the price of an unhappy kid. Why hello, guilt. So nice of you to join us.

I never feel guilty about sending her to school, just like I never felt guilty about putting her down for a nap when she was two—those are things that have to happen. Learning and sleeping are her jobs, jobs that just happen to come with a side of alone time for me. But camp is different. Camp is optional, and so who is it for? Her, or me? And if it’s for me, is that okay? My head says yes, my heart says no.

So next year, we’ll see. Maybe we’ll try going camp-free, and maybe she can have some sort of long-term summer project to give us some structure. You know I love structure. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure this all out before she turns 18 . . . right?

— Kathy

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Mega Monster Meltdown

Or, the Afternoon I Wished Parenting Weren’t One of My Core Personal Projects

“We’ve all been there,” she said, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I muttered something like “Thanks” or “Do you want him?” as I walked by her, struggling to contain Lunchbox.

What started as a small disagreement had escalated to a meltdown; I calmly told him it was time to leave the pool. He lost it and suddenly we were at DEFCON 2 in terms of his behavior.  I slung him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes while he kicked and screamed “Nooooooooooooo!!” at the top of his lungs. I was mortified. All eyes were on us as we trudged toward the exit.

After fighting to buckle him into his carseat, I turned on the car and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking and I felt like barfing. This was my worst fear — that my first summer with the kids would be filled with these types of episodes. Could I handle them? What would I do if I lost my temper completely and did something I’d regret? I knew the tantrum would eventually fizzle out and that a cocktail (or four) would help calm me down, but what, if anything, could or should I do to prevent this type of situation? Both Slim and Lunchbox had had their moments, but this was one, if not THE, worst one yet.

Developing a strategy for my first Teacher Mom Summer (TMS) had taken some time. Dreamy and I decided not to enroll the kids in any camps, hoping to save money, and I wanted them to sleep late, eat breakfast in their pjs, and, in general, be lazy. I asked Slim and Lunchbox about things they’d like to do and we came up with a list. We’d do one Big Thing each week (a movie, a museum trip, Lunch with Daddy) and divide up the the rest of the days with visits to the pool, the park, and play dates. Chore and Screen Time would be worked in as well.

This worked for a few weeks. The routine was nice but interrupted by some bigger projects I had hoped to accomplish during the break (such as cleaning, redecorating, and organizing Slim’s “Hoarders” episode-ready room). The kids were frustrated and acted out accordingly; I felt guilty and selfish for not making our plans a priority.

So, old conflict, new circumstances: where’s the line between your own goals and Mom responsibilities? Crossing things off my To Do list helps me feel accomplished, and usually my projects provide much-needed time to myself as well. In an effort to recalibrate I tried working on my stuff in the mornings and doing our planned activities in the afternoon. The result? Progress on Slim’s room slowed and both of them spent waaaay too much time staring at screens. I don’t have an answer but am thinking that my TMS flow will take time to evolve, much like my school-life flow (see my previous post).

As we hurtle towards a new school year, I already know next summer will look a bit different: one or two camps per kid; two or three dedicated afternoons to myself each week; and perhaps better expectations management on my part. Maybe such a plan will help us avoid mega monster meltdowns and me wishing for an extended and semi-permanent break from motherhood.

Thoughts please, fellow Introverted Moms!

— Tiffany

Change Is a Doubled-Edged Sword

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Yes, it’s me. The alleged co-author of this blog. I am mindful that this will be my second “Where Have I Been” post; please note it will be my last “Where Have I Been” post and my first as a more committed writer and member of our lovely little community.

As you might remember last year was my first year as a teacher. I’d slogged through a training program, quit my horrible and much-hated job, and began a new career as middle school creative writing instructor. I discovered that while teaching feeds many parts of my soul – creatively, intellectually, and emotionally – it is also the most exhausting thing I have ever done.

Hence the title of this post: one side of this sword-of-change sliced through the scar tissue of my previous existence and liberated my true self; the other side, however, slashes an enormous hole in my energy tank, causing that precious resource to hemorrhage at a terrifying rate. Most times at the end of the day, or week, or month, I was fried and had nothing left to put out there. And when forced to choose between all the great ideas and topics in my head or myself, I chose me.

Summer has given me time to reflect on the positive aspects of this change and, to echo Kathy’s “Under the Wire”  post, there are two major successes to report. The first is simple: I finally feel like myself again after many years of … well, not. And while it may seem contradictory to think that interacting with over 100 students a day (and parents and administrators and counselors … the list goes on) makes me a better introvert, it does. All this extroverting contributes towards one of my core personal projects – teaching – and thus makes me happy.

Plus, now I can now be goofy and silly. I can wear blue nail polish and dye my hair pink if I want to and NO ONE WILL CARE. Suppressing this person for so long was bad-exhausting; letting this person out is feels-so-good exhausting. I may be tired, but it is truly wonderful to wake up and know I get to be myself and not someone defined by a job or title.

Another benefit is being a better parent. An example: this spring I actually planned weekend activities. Previously I viewed museum visits or road trips as exercises in energy depletion, and I would often stay home and recharge when Dreamy took Slim and Lunchbox out.  Now, especially that it’s summer, I enjoy cooking up adventures for us to have. So far we’ve gone to the movies, a play, museums, AND a few road trips.

Another benefit? I’ve been able to enjoy my children rather than simply managing them. We’ve played games (Lunchbox is a total cheater at “Candyland”), dress-up, and taken long walks together. We’ve cuddled in bed reading books and made up silly games.  Am I tired at the end of the day? Yes. But again, it’s a good tired. It’s an “I Did Something Fun” tired. Parenting is also (presumably) one of my core personal projects and spending more time with Slim and Lunchbox has been a huge eye-opener in the best possible way.

Side note: summer has also meant adjusting to a whole new different kind of momhood. The learning curve has been brutal at times. More in my next post.

This year has been tough, with the sword of change whipping back and forth doing its thing. Now, however, in my mind the sword is horizontal and still (kind of like this). I have developed better tools to recognize when I’m veering too close to the negative side and its detrimental effects. “Balance” is not a word I believe in using when discussing career and life management but I can say this: my career and life management “flow” (yay Susan Cain!) is in a good place. Let’s cross our fingers and hope it stays there.

— Tiffany

 

Summer by the Book

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KathyThe story of my summer usually goes something like this: trying to balance fun, carefree family time and productive writing time. I’m planning to use some of the same strategies as last year – tag-teaming with iDad, grandparent help, a couple weeks of camp – but I also want to be sure I get to spend time with Doodlebug doing stuff we both like. Who knows how many summers we have left before she wants nothing to do with us? She’s already started reminding us that she’s practically a tween. (What? I mean, she’s right, but . . . what?!)

So, inspired by the snow day writing labs we made up this winter, I asked Doodlebug if we could do our own reading and writing week this summer. And she said YES! Of course my planning brain immediately went into overdrive, but then my introvert side kicked in and reminded me that I don’t need to schedule us to death. So maybe we will get to do all of these things, or maybe just a few. But here are my ideas so far:

  • A shopping trip for new notebooks/cool drawing supplies
  • Visiting the library to pick up a summer reading log
  • Scrabble (sneaky vocab time)
  • Writing a story together – we’ve done this before, where we trade the notebook back and forth every few sentences. It’s fun to see where we end up!
  • A trip to the used book store
  • Making food from books – I’m thinking of things like these Harry Potter-inspired pumpkin pasties or just something simple like bread and jam for a snack (like Frances!). Hmm, we’ve never made our own jam . . .
  • Reading time, of course
  • And writing lab, where Doodlebug works on a story while I work on a story of my own!

I’m sure iDad and Doodlebug will also hang out at the pool, so between that and the writing lab time I think I should be able to get some good work done AND have fun with my sweet girl. This is her last week of school and then we’re going to jump right into it, and I’m actually excited. About summer! Who’d have thunk it?

If you have any other ideas for wordy fun, please share. I’ll let you know how it goes!

— Kathy

Book Review: Me, Myself, and Us by Brian R. Little

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Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being

By Brian R. Little, 2014

 

KathyAll of you Susan Cain fans (which is hopefully all of you!) probably remember the story in Quiet about Brian Little, the introverted psychology professor who hides out in the bathroom after he gives a big presentation.

That story also appears in Me, Myself and Us, Little’s own book about personality, but he goes beyond talking about introverts and extroverts. He explores other personality traits and argues that it’s common to act out of character, especially if it’s in service of a project that’s important to you. The bad news is, that can come at a cost. But Little argues that, by carving out a “restorative niche” for yourself (see: bathroom hideout), you can help lessen the impacts.

As I said in my post about my goals for the year, parenting is of course one my personal projects, one where I’m willing to go out of my introvert comfort zone again and again. Here on the blog we’ve talked a lot about ways to balance out all the extroverting that goes along with being a parent.

But it was the other personality scales Little discussed that made this book most interesting for me. I ended up wishing I’d taken more psychology classes in college, because this is such cool stuff. The other scales and ranges included things like conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and openness (along with extroversion, these make up the so-called Big Five personality traits). Little also discusses self-monitoring, or how much you change your actions based on the situation you’re in; how much control you feel you have over your life; stress and resilience; creativity; and even how well your personality is matched to the personality of the place you live.

I was really intrigued by the idea that I might want to look at strategies to counterbalance acting out of character in some of these other arenas, too. I think we do this instinctively in some sense – I score pretty low on openness to new experiences, so if I have a day involving a new volunteer task at Doodlebug’s school followed by driving her to an appointment at a new doctor’s office, by dinnertime I know I’m not going to feel like tackling a recipe I’ve never made before. I’m probably going to want grilled cheese and soup, and that’s okay. In fact, Little seems to be saying I might want to plan an evening re-reading a favorite book, too. Works for me.

Little’s discussion of control reminded me that I’m someone who likes to think I can figure anything out if I try hard enough. Parenting, of course, is not something you can simply master and be done with – kids are always changing, and the strategy that worked great a week ago may be totally useless today. I’m not sure what a restorative niche might look like here – solving crossword puzzles or math problems or something else concrete? I’ll have to keep thinking about that one.

Ultimately, Me, Myself, and Us made me believe even more strongly that I need to carefully choose which projects I want to take on, so I don’t devote too many precious resources to things I don’t care about that much. I’ve always thought that was a good policy for introverts, so it was interesting to see it reinforced from an entirely different direction. Recommended!

— Kathy

Bonus materials: Dr. Little’s web site has more information about his theories and includes a downloadable tool to evaluate and assess your own personal projects.

BOOK REVIEW: Overwhelmed, by Brigid Schulte

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Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

by Brigid Schulte, 2014

KathyThis book stressed me out. Just sitting on the sofa reading Brigid Schulte’s descriptions of how thoroughly Americans are tying themselves in knots, trying to do it all, made my body respond with the same rush of adrenaline it usually sends me for things like hosting Doodlebug’s birthday party. No one wants to live like that. So how can we fix it?

Schulte, a journalist at the Washington Post, explores solutions to the condition she calls “the overwhelm” – that feeling of complete imbalance we manage to achieve while trying to be the perfect employee/spouse/parent/person. She looks at factors that drive the stereotypes of the Ideal Worker and the Ideal Mother and shows how our society has placed them at odds.

Since women have entered the workforce, we’ve been struggling unsuccessfully to meet both of these standards. And as Schulte points out, men are also being pulled in opposing directions as they become more involved parents. So what loses out? Among other things, taking time for oneself. By now your introvert alert system should be flashing DANGER DANGER DANGER.

And there’s more! Multitasking, time fragmentation, overscheduling our kids, parental leave policies, gender roles. This book points out so many problems with the way we live, but in the end there are so many potential solutions. And the good news is, many of the strategies Schulte explores will seem familiar to introverts. We have something of a head start in (and maybe a biological imperative for) seeking balance. But I still found a lot that was useful, enlightening, and just plain fascinating.

There are three main sections to the book: work, love, and play. Each one deserves its own post, but I’ll try to pull out the parts that spoke to me the most.

Work:

One of the most important points in Overwhelmed was that flexible work schedules help everyone, not just parents, and I hope things will change as more people realize that. Maybe you need to leave early because your kid is performing in the kindergarten play, or maybe you have no kids and it’s just a nice afternoon for a bike ride. Or maybe you DO have kids and you just want to go for a ride before they get home from school. Any of these reasons should be okay, as long as you’re getting your work done.

Schulte talks a lot about the culture of face time and ways to break away from it – sometimes you have to be in the same room with your co-workers, other times it doesn’t matter. iDad and I are both very lucky to work from home, and I know that’s key to maintaining our family’s balance. Things were much more chaotic when he left every day for “the office” and had to travel several times a year. I don’t miss it one bit.

Love:

Schulte is honest about her marriage and the unsatisfactory division of labor she and her husband drifted into after they had kids. So it’s important to set clear expectations with your partner and reevaluate as you go. It seems way too easy to shift into traditional gender roles as new parents. I know this happened with iDad and me, mostly because I was home full-time. And it was a surprise, because up until then we’d had a pretty good division of labor. I think that, for introverts especially, it’s key to be part of a strong team with your spouse and talk about this. A lot.

Play:

Take time for play, without the dose of guilt for focusing on something besides your kids, your spouse, or your job. Introverts know this one, but personally I still struggle with it, and Schulte has a lot of interesting evidence that women have never really had much of a “leisure culture.” But she makes such a good case for the importance of play that I almost felt tempted to try one of the crazy moms’ playgroups she writes about. Or maybe I should just find a book club instead. Introvert fun is still fun!

———————–

So is this book worth the blood pressure spike? I say yes — if we can get this balance right, or at least take steps to improve, that will be really good news for our kids, both now and when they have to navigate this crazy landscape themselves.

— Kathy

Bonus materials:

Schulte’s web site at the Washington Post has links to articles she’s written, many about aspects of work/life balance. She also has a personal website with a blog and more info about the book.

I Am … Queen LaTeacha

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tiffany_head_128“So, if you’re such an introvert, how are you going to manage interacting with a hundred students each day?” — Dreamy

“Wait, you’re an introvert?  Why do you hang out with us then?” — Anthony, eighth grader

I asked myself these questions, or variations of them, multiple times over the past few years. The best answer I can offer goes something like this: remember a few years ago when Beyoncé released an album called I Am … Sasha Fierce? While promoting the record she explained Sasha Fierce is her onstage personality who emerges during the superstar’s showstopping performances. Sasha is confident, in control, and a force to be reckoned with. In other words, as Beyoncé’s alter ego, Sasha owns it.

My teacher alter ego is named Queen LaTeacha. She takes the stage Monday through Friday from 7:50 a.m. to 11:17 a.m. The Queen is animated, expressive, outgoing, and – dare I say? – an extrovert. That said, however, by the end of my last class I am wiped. out.

Recharging begins at precisely 11:21 a.m., after my students have left and the hallways have cleared. I close my classroom door, sit down, and exhale. Sometimes I stare at the wall for a few minutes, sometimes I put on some music and begin puttering around the room, stacking chairs and tidying up. Organizing helps me feel in control, and that feeling, combined with a few moments of quiet , has so far helped me to refocus before taking on grading, planning, and preparing for the next day.

What I wondered about most was how does this switcheroo happen, exactly? How am I able to suddenly and seamlessly switch from my introverted self to Queen LaTeacha?

As usual Susan Cain comes to the rescue. Chapter nine of Quiet is simply revelatory. She profiles Professor Brian Little, a popular lecturer and professor whose work on personality and motivational psychology is groundbreaking. Little’s work helped me to identify teaching as one of my “core personal projects” (p. 209) and thus helped me to understand how these two parts of my personality work together in service of a larger goal or mission. I am motivated, passionate, and plain ol’ excited about this new path, and feeling this way enables my extroverted traits to take center stage.

How does this alter ego business affect parenting? Now more than ever I am acutely aware of the need to better manage my energy levels. And, as we’ve seen, I am not very good at this.  It is critical I reserve energy for my own kids, not just the ones I teach. My husband needs some too, as do friends and other family members.

As Kathy notes, parenting is also a core personal project which requires loads of additional energy. So do I still feel crunched and pressured to be “on” most of the time? Of course. But here’s the thing: my job makes me happy, and this seems to offset some of the adverse effects of so much extroverting. As long as small chunks of the day can be reserved for recharging I am confident this new lifestyle will sort itself out. That’s the only way I can see these various pieces fitting together to create a healthy and unified whole.

Unless you, dear readers, have ideas. The Queen is taking any and all suggestions.

— Tiffany

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KathySchool can actually be a great place to be an introvert – for students, I mean. Lots of structure, stretches of quiet where you’re expected to focus on your own work, and plenty of opportunities to read and write. But it can also be loud, chaotic, and severely draining.

That’s not just my perspective as an adult returning to volunteer (or sneaking in to drop off cupcakes). I have very clear memories of seventh grade and the relief I felt when I was finally deemed old enough to come home to an empty house. Before that I went to a series of babysitters after school with bunches of other kids, and while that was definitely fun (kind of like having a rotating group of extra siblings through the years), it added an extra couple hours of “on” time to the end of an already-long school day.

Middle school was also when all the angsty friend/boy drama kicked into high gear, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after school I gorged on alone time, happily watching Guiding Light, playing Tetris, and writing stories until the rest of my family got home. High school wasn’t much less draining in that respect – I can remember sighing to my mom that “At school you have to be nice to everyone all the time.”

So I think I’m extra aware that my little introvert needs her own downtime after school. Doodlebug’s only extracurricular activity right now is Brownies, and that’s one night each month. On top of a standing appointment she has once a week, that’s it. I would love to get her into an art class or swimming lessons, but I’m wary of messing with a schedule that already seems tight for her. On afternoons when I have to drag her on an errand or three, I grit my teeth and anticipate a dinnertime meltdown. Possibly from either one of us – it’s draining for me, too!

And after reading articles like this interview with our hero Susan Cain, I’m wondering more about ways Doodlebug can grab pockets of quiet time during the school day. Her class’s schedule seems to have several self-directed components, which is great, and they have reading time each day. But they are still sitting at tables, not desks, even though they’re third graders. I hope this ends next year – sometimes everyone just needs their own space, even extroverts.

Doodlebug has been lucky so far to get teachers who understand that she needs time to warm up and who push her just far enough. And I’m excited about the ways technology will let her and other younger introverts contribute in class at their own speed. I never felt comfortable jumping into a classroom debate at 90 mph, but I would have loved having a class blog or message board.

Or a Guiding Light message board! Ohhh, the hours I could have wasted after school on that!

— Kathy

BOOK REVIEW: All Joy and No Fun

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All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

by Jennifer Senior, 2014

This is my newKathy favorite book about parenting, with my least favorite title (more on that later). It’s a great read for anyone who’s ever wondered “Am I doing this right?” or “People have been doing this forever – why is it so hard?” So, basically, it’s for everyone.

Jennifer Senior, a contributing editor at New York Magazine, is interested in how parenthood affects parents. She has pulled together data, research, and interviews with parents in the trenches to identify some of our biggest challenges. Senior is quick to say that this isn’t a parenting book, but I found a lot in here that could point people toward solutions.

As an introvert, the part that had me nodding the most was the section on autonomy, specifically how you wave goodbye to it when you have a child. I had known this would happen, of course, but I wasn’t prepared for how complete the shift would be.

It wasn’t just that I slept less, but that I couldn’t control when or how often I woke up. It wasn’t just that I had less time to write, but that I couldn’t be sure how much time I would have before I would get interrupted. It was a huge change. If you’ve been reading along with the blog, you know from posts like these about summertime that lack of autonomy is still something I struggle with.

All Joy and No Fun helped me figure out why, though – Senior talks a lot about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow, the state of being so absorbed in what you’re doing that you completely lose track of time. I think flow must be incredibly important for introverts, whether we achieve it through our work or our hobbies. But flow can’t happen if you’re constantly being interrupted, so finding a way to secure chunks of time for yourself is crucial. Looking back, I can see that I didn’t put enough of a priority on that as a new parent.

This book is definitely not all about the baby stage, though – no matter how old your kids are, there’s something here for you. Senior covers the changing nature of childhood itself, challenges of maintaining a marriage while parenting, work-life balance, the extracurricular merry-go-round, and the teen years, among other topics.

And then, the last chapter. One of the things I liked best about the book was how Senior attempted to capture and acknowledge the good parts about parenting as well as the stress. She rightly notes that these highs are much harder to pin down in studies than the lows, but that they’re also the things that keep us going, often the reasons we wanted to have kids in the first place.

This is where I think the title is unfortunate – I know what she’s getting at, that sometimes the genuine drudgery and just plain difficulty of being a parent can eclipse the good parts. But I definitely wouldn’t say being a parent is NO fun, and I’d hate for Doodlebug to ever think that.

I already worry that one day she’ll read this blog and conclude that I must not like being a parent because there are so many parts I’ve struggled with. Yes, being a parent is challenging, but being Doodlebug’s mom is something I would never, ever trade. I am blown away by the creativity that pours out of her. I love it when we crack each other up. I get to read books with her, and ride roller coasters, and eat ice cream, and what could be more fun than that?

— Kathy

 

Bonus materials: Senior’s web site has a link to several interviews she’s done about the book, including a TED talk and a segment from The Colbert Report.