Category Archives: Book Reviews

Book Review: Me, Myself, and Us by Brian R. Little

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Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being

By Brian R. Little, 2014

 

KathyAll of you Susan Cain fans (which is hopefully all of you!) probably remember the story in Quiet about Brian Little, the introverted psychology professor who hides out in the bathroom after he gives a big presentation.

That story also appears in Me, Myself and Us, Little’s own book about personality, but he goes beyond talking about introverts and extroverts. He explores other personality traits and argues that it’s common to act out of character, especially if it’s in service of a project that’s important to you. The bad news is, that can come at a cost. But Little argues that, by carving out a “restorative niche” for yourself (see: bathroom hideout), you can help lessen the impacts.

As I said in my post about my goals for the year, parenting is of course one my personal projects, one where I’m willing to go out of my introvert comfort zone again and again. Here on the blog we’ve talked a lot about ways to balance out all the extroverting that goes along with being a parent.

But it was the other personality scales Little discussed that made this book most interesting for me. I ended up wishing I’d taken more psychology classes in college, because this is such cool stuff. The other scales and ranges included things like conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and openness (along with extroversion, these make up the so-called Big Five personality traits). Little also discusses self-monitoring, or how much you change your actions based on the situation you’re in; how much control you feel you have over your life; stress and resilience; creativity; and even how well your personality is matched to the personality of the place you live.

I was really intrigued by the idea that I might want to look at strategies to counterbalance acting out of character in some of these other arenas, too. I think we do this instinctively in some sense – I score pretty low on openness to new experiences, so if I have a day involving a new volunteer task at Doodlebug’s school followed by driving her to an appointment at a new doctor’s office, by dinnertime I know I’m not going to feel like tackling a recipe I’ve never made before. I’m probably going to want grilled cheese and soup, and that’s okay. In fact, Little seems to be saying I might want to plan an evening re-reading a favorite book, too. Works for me.

Little’s discussion of control reminded me that I’m someone who likes to think I can figure anything out if I try hard enough. Parenting, of course, is not something you can simply master and be done with – kids are always changing, and the strategy that worked great a week ago may be totally useless today. I’m not sure what a restorative niche might look like here – solving crossword puzzles or math problems or something else concrete? I’ll have to keep thinking about that one.

Ultimately, Me, Myself, and Us made me believe even more strongly that I need to carefully choose which projects I want to take on, so I don’t devote too many precious resources to things I don’t care about that much. I’ve always thought that was a good policy for introverts, so it was interesting to see it reinforced from an entirely different direction. Recommended!

— Kathy

Bonus materials: Dr. Little’s web site has more information about his theories and includes a downloadable tool to evaluate and assess your own personal projects.

BOOK REVIEW: Overwhelmed, by Brigid Schulte

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Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

by Brigid Schulte, 2014

KathyThis book stressed me out. Just sitting on the sofa reading Brigid Schulte’s descriptions of how thoroughly Americans are tying themselves in knots, trying to do it all, made my body respond with the same rush of adrenaline it usually sends me for things like hosting Doodlebug’s birthday party. No one wants to live like that. So how can we fix it?

Schulte, a journalist at the Washington Post, explores solutions to the condition she calls “the overwhelm” – that feeling of complete imbalance we manage to achieve while trying to be the perfect employee/spouse/parent/person. She looks at factors that drive the stereotypes of the Ideal Worker and the Ideal Mother and shows how our society has placed them at odds.

Since women have entered the workforce, we’ve been struggling unsuccessfully to meet both of these standards. And as Schulte points out, men are also being pulled in opposing directions as they become more involved parents. So what loses out? Among other things, taking time for oneself. By now your introvert alert system should be flashing DANGER DANGER DANGER.

And there’s more! Multitasking, time fragmentation, overscheduling our kids, parental leave policies, gender roles. This book points out so many problems with the way we live, but in the end there are so many potential solutions. And the good news is, many of the strategies Schulte explores will seem familiar to introverts. We have something of a head start in (and maybe a biological imperative for) seeking balance. But I still found a lot that was useful, enlightening, and just plain fascinating.

There are three main sections to the book: work, love, and play. Each one deserves its own post, but I’ll try to pull out the parts that spoke to me the most.

Work:

One of the most important points in Overwhelmed was that flexible work schedules help everyone, not just parents, and I hope things will change as more people realize that. Maybe you need to leave early because your kid is performing in the kindergarten play, or maybe you have no kids and it’s just a nice afternoon for a bike ride. Or maybe you DO have kids and you just want to go for a ride before they get home from school. Any of these reasons should be okay, as long as you’re getting your work done.

Schulte talks a lot about the culture of face time and ways to break away from it – sometimes you have to be in the same room with your co-workers, other times it doesn’t matter. iDad and I are both very lucky to work from home, and I know that’s key to maintaining our family’s balance. Things were much more chaotic when he left every day for “the office” and had to travel several times a year. I don’t miss it one bit.

Love:

Schulte is honest about her marriage and the unsatisfactory division of labor she and her husband drifted into after they had kids. So it’s important to set clear expectations with your partner and reevaluate as you go. It seems way too easy to shift into traditional gender roles as new parents. I know this happened with iDad and me, mostly because I was home full-time. And it was a surprise, because up until then we’d had a pretty good division of labor. I think that, for introverts especially, it’s key to be part of a strong team with your spouse and talk about this. A lot.

Play:

Take time for play, without the dose of guilt for focusing on something besides your kids, your spouse, or your job. Introverts know this one, but personally I still struggle with it, and Schulte has a lot of interesting evidence that women have never really had much of a “leisure culture.” But she makes such a good case for the importance of play that I almost felt tempted to try one of the crazy moms’ playgroups she writes about. Or maybe I should just find a book club instead. Introvert fun is still fun!

———————–

So is this book worth the blood pressure spike? I say yes — if we can get this balance right, or at least take steps to improve, that will be really good news for our kids, both now and when they have to navigate this crazy landscape themselves.

— Kathy

Bonus materials:

Schulte’s web site at the Washington Post has links to articles she’s written, many about aspects of work/life balance. She also has a personal website with a blog and more info about the book.

BOOK REVIEW: All Joy and No Fun

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All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

by Jennifer Senior, 2014

This is my newKathy favorite book about parenting, with my least favorite title (more on that later). It’s a great read for anyone who’s ever wondered “Am I doing this right?” or “People have been doing this forever – why is it so hard?” So, basically, it’s for everyone.

Jennifer Senior, a contributing editor at New York Magazine, is interested in how parenthood affects parents. She has pulled together data, research, and interviews with parents in the trenches to identify some of our biggest challenges. Senior is quick to say that this isn’t a parenting book, but I found a lot in here that could point people toward solutions.

As an introvert, the part that had me nodding the most was the section on autonomy, specifically how you wave goodbye to it when you have a child. I had known this would happen, of course, but I wasn’t prepared for how complete the shift would be.

It wasn’t just that I slept less, but that I couldn’t control when or how often I woke up. It wasn’t just that I had less time to write, but that I couldn’t be sure how much time I would have before I would get interrupted. It was a huge change. If you’ve been reading along with the blog, you know from posts like these about summertime that lack of autonomy is still something I struggle with.

All Joy and No Fun helped me figure out why, though – Senior talks a lot about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow, the state of being so absorbed in what you’re doing that you completely lose track of time. I think flow must be incredibly important for introverts, whether we achieve it through our work or our hobbies. But flow can’t happen if you’re constantly being interrupted, so finding a way to secure chunks of time for yourself is crucial. Looking back, I can see that I didn’t put enough of a priority on that as a new parent.

This book is definitely not all about the baby stage, though – no matter how old your kids are, there’s something here for you. Senior covers the changing nature of childhood itself, challenges of maintaining a marriage while parenting, work-life balance, the extracurricular merry-go-round, and the teen years, among other topics.

And then, the last chapter. One of the things I liked best about the book was how Senior attempted to capture and acknowledge the good parts about parenting as well as the stress. She rightly notes that these highs are much harder to pin down in studies than the lows, but that they’re also the things that keep us going, often the reasons we wanted to have kids in the first place.

This is where I think the title is unfortunate – I know what she’s getting at, that sometimes the genuine drudgery and just plain difficulty of being a parent can eclipse the good parts. But I definitely wouldn’t say being a parent is NO fun, and I’d hate for Doodlebug to ever think that.

I already worry that one day she’ll read this blog and conclude that I must not like being a parent because there are so many parts I’ve struggled with. Yes, being a parent is challenging, but being Doodlebug’s mom is something I would never, ever trade. I am blown away by the creativity that pours out of her. I love it when we crack each other up. I get to read books with her, and ride roller coasters, and eat ice cream, and what could be more fun than that?

— Kathy

 

Bonus materials: Senior’s web site has a link to several interviews she’s done about the book, including a TED talk and a segment from The Colbert Report.

The Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging Mom

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Review of MotherStyles: Using Personality Type to Discover Your Parenting Strengths by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble

Kathy

The Emperor from Star Wars. Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. O’Brien from Downton Abbey. What do they have in common, other than being cruel, heartless, nasty pieces of work? They’re all INTJs on the Myers-Briggs scale.

Just like me.

I’ve known my type for a while now – iDad and I did a version of the Myers-Briggs personality assessment before we got married. It measures your preferences in four areas, each correlating to a letter:

  • Introversion vs. Extroversion: Do you draw energy from being alone or being with others?
  • Sensing vs. iNtuitive: Do you evaluate information pragmatically or by adding meaning?
  • Feeling vs. Thinking: Do you evaluate situations emotionally or logically?
  • Judging vs. Perceiving: Do you prefer to have a routine or go with the flow?

There’s a much more detailed breakdown on the Myers-Briggs Foundation website. And here’s a quick quiz if you’re interested in finding out your type. I have a strong preference for introversion and judging, and I was more middle-of-the-road on the other two. According to the people making up fun internet graphics, this adds up to being kinda evil.

So that’s why I was glad to read, in Janet P. Penley’s book MotherStyles, that INTJs are also “Individual Integrity” mothers. That sounds much more positive. The book talks about the strengths and struggles each of the 16 Myers-Briggs types faces as a mother. Penley argues that anyone can be a good parent by knowing what works (and doesn’t) for their personality.

Penley herself is an introvert (an INFJ), and she talks openly about her parenting burnout before she understood that fact. But she and her co-author interviewed hundreds of moms of all type-stripes, and after a nice introductory section that explains each attribute in depth, the book lists strengths and struggles for each type of mom.

I definitely identified with the INTJ challenges – the chaos of family life, having confidence in my mothering skills, and living a balanced life. And I will try to do a better job appreciating my strengths (according to Penley, that’s being a non-conformist, being persistent, thinking deeply, and expecting the best from myself and others).

Reading about the other 15 personality types will give you insight into how your own mom, your mother-in-law, your friends, and/or your spouse might operate. (Dads are definitely covered – Penley says 80% of what’s in the book also applies to fathers). One of the basic tenets of the Myers-Briggs system is that no one type is better than another – but people are different. Knowing what lights others up and what drains them is a good reminder that parenting isn’t easy for anyone, and that even though some things you struggle with come naturally to other people, the reverse is also true.

The technique applies to kids, too – starting around age 8, most kids are settled into their personalities enough for you to figure out where they land for each of these traits. Even if they’re younger, though, you can probably guess about certain things. Doodlebug has always loved imaginative play and art, which suggests she’s an Intuitive sort. And reading this book made me realize she falls on the Feeling side of the scale.

You can even type your family – if you know the personality type for each person, you can figure out which traits are dominant in your household. Like I’ve said before, our family is definitely an introverted one, which works great for the three of us. But if Doodlebug had turned out to be an extrovert? That would be challenging, for her and for her parents.

This led me to my biggest lightbulb moment – when I realized exactly why summer is so stressful for me. I always push myself to create a laidback, go-with-the-flow atmosphere for our family, which is exactly the opposite of how I prefer to operate. And, as Penley points out many times, working against your type is possible, but it’ll cost you.

So I will be taking my 2 hours of work time every day this summer. Because if not, I might turn into the kind of person who leaves bars of soap in dangerous locations, shoots blue lightning at Jedi knights, or joins the Death Eaters. You have all been warned.

— Kathy

P.S. There’s a whole MotherStyles website, with more info about the book, articles, and even a mini self-care plan for each type of mom.

Book Review: FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell

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KathyBack in sixth grade, when I couldn’t waaaait for the next Sweet Valley High book to come out, I decided to just go ahead and write my own SVH story. I lost interest after a few pages, but when the real book was finally released a major character died. I felt responsible – how dare I try to take over for Francine Pascal’s ghostwriters? RIP, Regina Morrow.

That remains my only attempt at writing fanfiction — stories using another person’s characters and world. Still, I knew I wanted to read Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl the minute I heard about it. It’s the story of Cath, who’s starting college along with her twin sister, Wren. Both girls are huge Simon Snow fans (a book/movie series along the lines of Harry Potter). Or at least they were – once they get to school, Wren is off partying with her new roommate, leaving Cath on her own to finish writing her fanfic epic. To say that Cath has trouble adjusting to college would be putting it mildly.

Why Introverts Should Read This Book

Because you will recognize yourself in Cath, even if you’ve never heard of fanfiction. She’s a hardcore introvert and there were so many times I identified with her, whether she was staying up late to write instead of going out drinking, trying to figure out whether a guy was flirting or just being friendly, or stashing protein bars under her bed so she could avoid the dining hall.

If you’ve been to college, I’m betting this book will stir up a ton of memories and “me too!” moments. For introverts, I think college can be a major improvement over high school – I got to know people on a deeper level, in a more natural, gradual way because I was living with them. But in other ways it’s a real shock to the system: being with people 24/7, not having the level of privacy you might be used to, being reminded again and again that you are not a go-go-go-all-the-time person. Cath struggles with all of this, but she eventually reaps the benefits of college, too.

Why Extroverts Should Read This Book

For exchanges like the following:

[Cath:] “You give away nice like it doesn’t cost you anything.”

Levi laughed. “It doesn’t cost me anything. It’s not like smiling at strangers exhausts my overall supply.”

“Well, it does mine.”

“I’m not you. Making people happy makes me feel good. If anything, it gives me more energy for the people I care about.”

Cath’s roommate’s friend Levi is the quintessential extrovert – even though Cath doesn’t get his personality at first, Rowell definitely does. I loved how there was no extrovert-bashing in Fangirl, just a series of great explorations of how different types of people interact, confuse each other, and try to get along.

Why Parents Should Read This Book

So you can pass it on to your kids when you’re done! Or save it for when they’re ready. This would be a great senior-year read, so I’m holding on to my copy for Doodlebug. Okay fine, and I might reread it five or ten times before then.

Bonus Materials

Rainbow Rowell posts fan art, interview snippets, and other cool book-related stuff on her Tumblr. Also, if you like Benedict Cumberbatch (and who doesn’t?!) you will be very happy there.

———————-

Go read this book. Go read this book! GO READ THIS BOOK! And then come back here so we can fangirl about it together.

— Kathy

Book Review: Quiet Influence: The Introvert’s Guide to Making a Difference by Jennifer Kahnweiler, Ph.D.

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tiffany_head_128The title alone should have prevented me from buying this book; I care about influencing people about as much as I care about the GNP of Kerblechistan. I felt compelled to give it a read, however, particularly after realizing it is geared specifically towards introverts in the workplace. I am one of those, I thought. This book is perfect!

“Quiet Influence” is designed to help introverts maximize six specific strengths in professional settings. They are:  taking quiet time; preparation; engaged listening; focused conversations; writing; and thoughtful use of social media. The author argues that introverts are just as capable of leadership, business development, and other executive functions as extroverts but approach these tasks differently from extroverts.

Diving in, however, I quickly realized we were not going to click. The author’s excessive reliance on a handful of executive coaches and corporate consultants was annoying, as was the constant self-promotion (as evidenced by the concluding section on how the author is available to do keynote speeches, in-house trainings, executive coaching, blah blah blah).

Additionally some of the examples used are downright silly. Someone made POSTERS and put them in the office kitchen! Oooh…way to go out on a ledge there. This may be too judgemental and harsh, but I expected more macro-level and, frankly, more compelling case studies of introverted leaders and how they influence, particularly from someone with an advanced degree in Corporate-Type Stuff (Kahnweiler holds a Ph.D. in counseling and organizational development).

Fortunately I don’t work in the corporate world. Maybe this is another reason why I didn’t connect with this book or its message.

In spite of the above there are three redeeming qualities introverts might find valuable. First, there’s a quiz designed to give you your “Quiet Influence Quotient,”  or QIQ. A series of simple questions and some easy math establishes your baseline QIQ, while a second sub-quiz tells you which of the six strengths you use most often.

As much as I dislike the idea of personality pop quizzes I understand and endorse the QIQ concept. It is useful when trying to identify where on the introvert scale you fall, and it is always helpful to be reminded of your core attributes, particularly if your work environment is geared towards emphasizing weaknesses rather than strengths. I use most, if not all, of these attributes every day in the office.

Second, each chapter discusses how to better develop each strength and provides realistic examples and illustrations of how tinkering with your abilities can improve your ability to influence.

One thing that occurred to me after wading through each section was how often I use core strengths simultaneously; for example, engaged listening and writing. In meetings where lots of people talk at once, talk over each other, and generally TALK A LOT, I listen, observe, and take notes. If needed I’ll summarize those notes in an email and send it to myself so I can better process what actually took place. At the risk of sounding like a simpleton, my brain needs more time to digest and think about things. This is helped immensely by reviewing my notes and addressing lingering issues after taking time to reflect.

Finally, hard-core introverts who work or aspire to work in a corporate or executive setting would benefit from some of the tips and strategies for getting ahead. If “getting ahead” is indeed one’s goal.

Extroverts who manage introverts could certainly benefit from “Quiet Influence” if only to get a better idea how to draw out employees they perceive as introverts. And to set these employees up for success by maximizing the skills introverts have and minimizing exposure to functions or tasks in which introverts might not perform so well.

Parents should read this book if they have an introverted child whom they consider an employee.

If anyone wants to borrow it I am happy to loan it out on a, ehrm, permanent basis.

— Tiffany

Book Review: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

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KathyHi all, welcome to our first book review! We wanted to share some of the books we’re reading as we explore our roles as introverted parents, and we’re starting with Susan Cain. You’ve probably heard about her book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

If you know me in real life, you’ve definitely heard about this book because I won’t stop telling people about it.

 

quiet2_smallerThis is my copy. I think it’s safe to say it spoke to me.

 

Overview:

There’s a reason the title starts off with “Quiet” and not “Introverts” – Cain isn’t a psychologist (she’s a lawyer-turned-writer) and she’s exploring more than just the strict definition of introversion as a personality trait. She’s also looking at a group of traits that are often connected, including being risk-averse, introspective, shy. These types of people, and their strengths, are often overlooked in American society, Cain argues. She traces the rise of what she calls the Extrovert Ideal, pointing out ways our society prizes gregarious, assertive, bold, LOUD people.

Through profiles of famous (and not-so-famous) introverts, examinations of different psychological theories, and an exploration of the connection between solitude and creativity, Cain gives introverts permission to be themselves. Being an introvert isn’t just okay, she tells us. It’s important.

 

Why Introverts Should Read This Book:

So you can say “So there!” to everyone who’s ever told you you’re too quiet. Just kidding. Kind of. I’ve heard about so many people who feel empowered by this book, who didn’t even realize that being an introvert was normal. And even though I already knew my personality type, it never hurts to be reminded that, no, our society really is not geared toward people like me. If I feel out of step sometimes, that’s why, not because I’m doing something wrong.

Other takeaways: Introverts and extroverts need different levels of outside stimulation, and I like Cain’s idea of “sweet spots” – figuring out your just-right level and seeking out experiences that fit. She also makes the point that even introverts need to keep adjusting, which explains why I can sometimes get stir-crazy on a Sunday afternoon at the end of a laid-back weekend.

For me, Cain’s discussion of Elaine Aron’s research on highly sensitive people was eye-opening. Not all introverts are highly sensitive, but I think I do fall into this category. It’s giving me insight into why I get overwhelmed so much more quickly than iDad, even though we’re both introverts. Expect more banging on about this one from me in the future!

 

Why Extroverts Should Read This Book:

To get a better idea about how the other one-third to one-half of the population lives. I think this book should be required reading for extroverted managers and teachers, or for any extrovert who’s in charge of a group of people.

Cain also examines the benefits of working solo – turns out creativity is harder to come by in a group environment. Many introverts already know this (group projects, blech!), but it’s startling to see how our schools and our workplaces have embraced what Cain has named the “New Groupthink”. I read here that she’s working on a curriculum to help teachers reach introverts in the classroom, and I think that’s a fantastic idea.

 

Why Parents Should Read This Book:

If you’re raising an introvert, Chapter 11 of Quiet is for you. While Cain encourages parents to enjoy their kids for who they are, she also has great tips for helping them feel more confident and comfortable in this overstimulating world of ours. Don’t throw your kid into a new situation with a “She’ll be fine!” attitude, help her find ways to get used to things at her own pace. Check out a new place ahead of time if possible, arrive early, don’t push. And, instead of criticizing your child for acting shy, praise her when she stretches herself.

Parents, too, should carefully read the sections about school. I am not (NOT!) encouraging helicopter parenting, but it’s worth considering whether your kid’s classroom environment is geared more toward extroverts. At Doodlebug’s school, I was surprised to find that her first grade class didn’t use desks — the kids sat at tables together like they did in kindergarten.

There’s a great list of factors to consider if you’re in a position to choose a school for your kids (Small classes? Anti-bullying program? Subjects or extracurriculars your child is drawn to?). But Cain has good suggestions for helping your kids thrive at any school. Also, she makes the excellent point that your introverted child might need time to decompress at the end of the day, so give them time to do that before you start peppering them with questions. You just might get more info out of them that way.

 

Bonus materials:

Cain gave a TED talk in 2012 that touches on the main points in her book. Definitely worth 20 minutes of your time.

**********************

So have you read Quiet? What did you think? I’ve started leaving my copy in our guest room – maybe all our visitors will pick it up and learn something about themselves (or about a favorite introvert). Muahahaha!

–Kathy