Tag Archives: summer

The Paradox of Summer

August is almost over and that means the end of summer. We’ve got some thoughts on guilt, meltdowns, and how our months off might look different next year.

Summer Guilt, 2015 Edition

There is no question that Doodlebug learns something important every summer at camp. I don’t mean things like facts about rocks or a new art technique. I mean something about Life. One year, it was that new things are always easier with a friend. Last year, it was that sometimes you have to try new things on your own, but that you’ll survive and maybe even have fun.

This year, she learned that things sometimes look good on paper but turn out to be boring in real life. Also that some kids are just mean.

So yeah, camp didn’t go so well this time around. It didn’t help that iDad and I knew Doodlebug would much rather be home, doing Minecraft or reading or playing with Shopkins. Or, you know, spending time with us. Nothing like a tearful conversation about why parents still have to work all summer to make you question your priorities.

And part of me says, look, we do still have to work. She’s old enough to get that. We did all kinds of things together this summer. Two weeks of half-day camps—thirty hours out of an eleven-week summer—is not cruel and unusual. Yes, she had some rocky moments, but she made it through and I’m proud of her.

Another part of me says, yeah, but it’s camp. You always hated it yourself. Remember Vacation Bible School? Remember the Girl Scout day camp? <shudder> I’m an introvert raising an introvert. I know that camp might turn out to be fun, or it might be a giant drain on your energy tank. That’s the opposite of what summer is for.

So this, I’ve concluded, is the paradox of summer: I feel like I can only gain time for myself by taking it away from Doodlebug. The two weeks of camp were great for iDad and me. We both got much more done without having to scramble around and cover each other’s work time. I felt like I could think straight again after being pulled in a million different directions for weeks. It was a good feeling. But it came at the price of an unhappy kid. Why hello, guilt. So nice of you to join us.

I never feel guilty about sending her to school, just like I never felt guilty about putting her down for a nap when she was two—those are things that have to happen. Learning and sleeping are her jobs, jobs that just happen to come with a side of alone time for me. But camp is different. Camp is optional, and so who is it for? Her, or me? And if it’s for me, is that okay? My head says yes, my heart says no.

So next year, we’ll see. Maybe we’ll try going camp-free, and maybe she can have some sort of long-term summer project to give us some structure. You know I love structure. I’m sure we’ll be able to figure this all out before she turns 18 . . . right?

— Kathy

Mega Monster Meltdown

Or, the Afternoon I Wished Parenting Weren’t One of My Core Personal Projects

“We’ve all been there,” she said, looking at me with sympathetic eyes. I muttered something like “Thanks” or “Do you want him?” as I walked by her, struggling to contain Lunchbox.

What started as a small disagreement had escalated to a meltdown; I calmly told him it was time to leave the pool. He lost it and suddenly we were at DEFCON 2 in terms of his behavior. I slung him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes while he kicked and screamed “Nooooooooooooo!!” at the top of his lungs. I was mortified. All eyes were on us as we trudged toward the exit.

After fighting to buckle him into his carseat, I turned on the car and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking and I felt like barfing. This was my worst fear — that my first summer with the kids would be filled with these types of episodes. Could I handle them? What would I do if I lost my temper completely and did something I’d regret? I knew the tantrum would eventually fizzle out and that a cocktail (or four) would help calm me down, but what, if anything, could or should I do to prevent this type of situation? Both Slim and Lunchbox had had their moments, but this was one, if not THE, worst one yet.

Developing a strategy for my first Teacher Mom Summer (TMS) had taken some time. Dreamy and I decided not to enroll the kids in any camps, hoping to save money, and I wanted them to sleep late, eat breakfast in their pjs, and, in general, be lazy. I asked Slim and Lunchbox about things they’d like to do and we came up with a list. We’d do one Big Thing each week (a movie, a museum trip, Lunch with Daddy) and divide up the the rest of the days with visits to the pool, the park, and play dates. Chore and Screen Time would be worked in as well.

This worked for a few weeks. The routine was nice but interrupted by some bigger projects I had hoped to accomplish during the break (such as cleaning, redecorating, and organizing Slim’s “Hoarders” episode-ready room). The kids were frustrated and acted out accordingly; I felt guilty and selfish for not making our plans a priority.

So, old conflict, new circumstances: where’s the line between your own goals and Mom responsibilities? Crossing things off my To Do list helps me feel accomplished, and usually my projects provide much-needed time to myself as well. In an effort to recalibrate I tried working on my stuff in the mornings and doing our planned activities in the afternoon. The result? Progress on Slim’s room slowed and both of them spent waaaay too much time staring at screens. I don’t have an answer but am thinking that my TMS flow will take time to evolve, much like my school-life flow (see my previous post).

As we hurtle towards a new school year, I already know next summer will look a bit different: one or two camps per kid; two or three dedicated afternoons to myself each week; and perhaps better expectations management on my part. Maybe such a plan will help us avoid mega monster meltdowns and me wishing for an extended and semi-permanent break from motherhood.

Thoughts please, fellow Introverted Moms!

— Tiffany

Summer by the Book

6 Replies

The story of my summer usually goes something like this: trying to balance fun, carefree family time and productive writing time. I’m planning to use some of the same strategies as last year – tag-teaming with iDad, grandparent help, a couple weeks of camp – but I also want to be sure I get to spend time with Doodlebug doing stuff we both like. Who knows how many summers we have left before she wants nothing to do with us? She’s already started reminding us that she’s practically a tween. (What? I mean, she’s right, but . . . what?!)

So, inspired by the snow day writing labs we made up this winter, I asked Doodlebug if we could do our own reading and writing week this summer. And she said YES! Of course my planning brain immediately went into overdrive, but then my introvert side kicked in and reminded me that I don’t need to schedule us to death. So maybe we will get to do all of these things, or maybe just a few. But here are my ideas so far:

A shopping trip for new notebooks/cool drawing supplies
Visiting the library to pick up a summer reading log
Scrabble (sneaky vocab time)
Writing a story together – we’ve done this before, where we trade the notebook back and forth every few sentences. It’s fun to see where we end up!
A trip to the used book store
Making food from books – I’m thinking of things like these Harry Potter-inspired pumpkin pasties or just something simple like bread and jam for a snack (like Frances!). Hmm, we’ve never made our own jam . . .
Reading time, of course
And writing lab, where Doodlebug works on a story while I work on a story of my own!

I’m sure iDad and Doodlebug will also hang out at the pool, so between that and the writing lab time I think I should be able to get some good work done AND have fun with my sweet girl. This is her last week of school and then we’re going to jump right into it, and I’m actually excited. About summer! Who’d have thunk it?

If you have any other ideas for wordy fun, please share. I’ll let you know how it goes!

— Kathy

Summer Shake-Up

1 Reply

Every year I think I’m prepared for summer, and every year I’m… not. As I was reading Jennifer Senior’s book All Joy and No Fun last week, I think I hit on part of the reason why. The book (which is great, by the way – I hope to do a review soon) starts with a section on autonomy. Senior argues that one of the toughest adjustments for new parents is giving up the control they’ve come to enjoy over their lives and their time.

And I realized that summer is, each year, a little like becoming a parent all over again. After a stretch of mostly organizing my own time, I have to readjust my schedule to make room for another person, meeting Doodlebug’s needs without losing myself in the process. And as I’ve already discussed, that was tough for me. Really tough. It’s not just the lack of routine that makes it hard, it’s also the loss of control.

I find myself falling back on some of the same strategies that got me through the baby days, especially Do the Most Important Thing First. When I have my precious two hours of writing time, I can’t let myself fall down an Internet rabbit hole or get distracted by laundry. I’m retraining myself to save those chores/rewards for times when I’m “on duty” with Doodlebug but she’s absorbed in her own play. Independent play = the new nap time!

Other strategies I relied on for staying sane, like Wear Her in the Sling While We Watch Lost, don’t work as well these days. And, while I love the fact that iDad and I both work at home now, it adds an extra layer of complexity to our schedule. Not only am I stressing that I’m not getting work done and that I’m not spending enough time with Doodlebug, now I’m also stressing that iDad isn’t getting enough work time.

Things will get both easier and more complicated as the summer goes on – so far we’ve been hanging out at home, letting Doodlebug decompress from the school year and squeezing in work time when we can. Coming up, though, we have camps and trips, some of which are of the grandparent variety (translation: sleepovers!). All that’s good, for Doodlebug and for our work schedules, but it’s a lot of changes in a short space of time. And we all know how well I do with that.

I do have one new strategy I plan to keep in place: my Notebook of Power. I am huge on lists – there is something so satisfying about finishing a task and then checking it off. I have even been known to write down jobs I’ve already finished just so I can mark them as done. (What? It’s something I accomplished! I should definitely get credit.)

So during the school year, every month I make a list of writing goals in my To Do notebook. Every week I make a list of tasks. And every day I write out 5-10 things I plan to do, including work and non-work items. In past summers I’ve let these lists slide, which means I lose that concrete proof that I’m getting things done. But this summer I’ve committed to sticking with my lists. Even if I don’t accomplish as much as I do during the school year (and I know I won’t), the summer won’t look like a giant black hole of wasted time when I flip through my notebook in September.

I know some of you guys have been in the summer trenches waaaay longer than we have – school got out crazy late here this year. How are things going at your house?

— Kathy

Tripped Up

Summer Campin’

Leave a reply

School is in session and summer is over. How did the Moms cope?

We think the song “Summer Nights’” from “Grease” pretty much sums it up. With some amended lyrics, of course.

Summer campin’, it’s hot outside

There were days when everyone cried

“Too much art!” our sweet girls said

Next year maybe something different instead?

Summer’s done, we had some fun

But uh oh, that tricky downtime…

“Nature is NOT fun Mommy and this is ALL YOUR FAULT!” Princess Slim shouted and pointed to her filthy legs and dirt-caked shoes. She marched into the bathroom and slammed the door. Nature Fun Camp was apparently not so fun.

Cue hot tears in my eyes and lump in my throat. And cue a little something I call Instaguilt™, one of the unexpected and unpleasant side effects of being a mother. Instaguilt™ is rampant in mothers who work outside the home and occurs primarily whenever the school nurse calls and during drop-off or pick-up times of day. Symptoms include feeling absolutely shredded about leaving or collecting offspring at or from camp/day care/school/Somewhere Else and an endless cycle of self-recrimination regarding career and life choices. No known treatment exists.

Instaguilt™ aside, this summer was an experiment for Princess Slim, and, by default, for our family. If you recall from the Lazy, Hazy post, we signed Slim up for a variety of camps as opposed to sending her to one place for the entire break. Yes, this meant lots of juggling for Dreamy and me as we had to constantly rework commuting arrangements; thankfully Kathy and iDad supported us during weeks in which extended care wasn’t available.

The larger issue was my major anxiety about how all this change would affect Princess Slim. All in all I think she did ok and seemed to enjoy herself at most of the places she went (note to self: no nature camp next year). Of the 11 total weeks off she was in camp for eight, and four of those weeks she went to camps along with BFF Doodlebug. Slim had other friends at the camps Doodlebug didn’t attend and was thus never in a position where she didn’t know anyone.

Slim also had two weeks off for trips to the farm and beach, respectively, a few days with me, and two days of mornings with a neighborhood sitter and afternoons with Dreamy. By the time the last camp finished, however, Slim was definitely over it and ready for some unstructured down time.

We learned a few things as a result. First, Slim and Doodlebug will tandem camp again next summer. It eased Slim’s jitters (and my guilt) knowing friends were around even if the physical location was new. Second, we have a better idea of what types of activities Slim likes, so when registration time rolls around we can make more informed choices. Finally, at seven years old one should be able to go see a movie in the middle of the day or read a book or go to the pool. It’s called “relaxing” and we need to do more of it. Thus we now know that taking a camp time-out here and there is necessary and, more importantly, good for her.

I realized this while watching her practice cartwheels on the beach. Could she be my introvert after all?

Cue hot tears in eyes, lump in throat.

— Tiffany

Overall, this summer was . . . okay. I know, that’s hardly a ringing endorsement, but in comparison to years past, I’ll take it.

What worked:

Block scheduling. Our decision to group Doodlebug’s camps together in a five-week chunk (with a week off in the middle) worked out so well that I think we’ll be doing camps that way from now on. I liked having those weeks of structured time grouped together, and Doodlebug had plenty of time before and after the block to just chill out. I think she enjoyed the change of pace during the camp weeks.

Pool time. Doodlebug and iDad spent many afternoons there, with friends and on their own. Since our school playground was being replaced over the summer, this was key for making sure Doodlebug stayed active. And since I didn’t usually (okay, ever) go along, it was a good, consistent source of me time. Everybody wins!

Having buddies. New rule: Doodlebug must always know someone at camp. Having Princess Slim as a partner in crime made those weeks much more fun (although I’m not sure how much the counselors loved this arrangement!). Aside from camp, we lucked out when our good friends who usually spend summers away decided to stay home this year. Lots of playdates, lots of ice cream!

What didn’t:

Work. I’m writing a novel, and I had big plans to take a break from it at the beginning of the summer (the hanging-out phase) and come back to it, refreshed and inspired, once Doodlebug started her camps. But then I signed up for a revision workshop, which meant I had to finish and submit my draft a few weeks after school got out. Calling those weeks stressful would be putting it mildly.

After that, I was supposed to leave the manuscript alone for a month, a month which included two weeks of camp. My plan to focus on other writing projects during those weeks was derailed by a nasty cold that turned into pinkeye. Not recommended!

Unstructured time. A summer day can be very long. This is great when you’re seven, because you can fit in drawing AND reading AND playing with ponies AND watching TV. Doodlebug really needed those low-key days, but it was hard for me to let things unfold completely on her schedule. I wanted to give her time to do her own thing, but I wanted to be available if she wanted to do something together. Since I never knew which it was going to be, I spent a lot of time on little projects but never accomplished much. Those files in the basement, the ones I never organized when we moved in three years ago? Still a disaster.

Another facet to this is that I just plain don’t like not being in control of my time. I wish I could say that a few lazy summer days helped me let go of that a little, but they didn’t. What did work was (wait for it) having more control! Since we’re lucky enough to have iDad working at home, at the beginning of each day we set up a time when I would be off-duty for an hour or two. That helped immensely, and if we’re both still at home for future summers we’ll make sure to stick with that system.

But I’m interested to know how other parents handle this, especially people without backup. Do you set a schedule for together time vs. alone time when you know you’ll be home all day? Do you just resign yourself to the fact that you won’t get as much done over the summer? If you do feel like you’ve found a good balance, I’d love to know your strategies! Because there’s always next summer…

— Kathy

The Crazy, Hazy (But Definitely Not Lazy) Days of Summer

Leave a reply

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince got it right in “Summertime”:

School is out and it’s a sort of a buzz

But back then I didn’t really know what it was

But now I see what have of this

The way that people respond to summer madness

These months present challenges for parents everywhere. School ends, schedules are disrupted, and madness can ensue. How do the Introverted Moms cope?

***************

Summer is no big deal to Señor Lunchbox. He will wake up and go to school. This is good because he desperately needs a structured environment. Dreamy and I will wake up and go to work. This is good because we need to keep our jobs. Princess Slim will, on the other had, wake up and go somewhere new every week. For her this summer will be one of constant adjustment to new routines, new places, and new people. She bears the brunt of summer insanity, and it breaks my heart.

Princess Slim is signed up for seven — SEVEN — different camps this summer and I have two weeks left to fill. Really hoping to draft some grandparents into service so the poor girl can sleep in late and have some down time once in awhile. Guilt isn’t my thing, but booking her into all these activities has made me feel guiltier than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Why?

Some of it is undoubtedly tied up with childhood memories of long stretches of unstructured time and the exhilarating sense of freedom felt upon finishing the school year. Perhaps I need to let go of my expectations for these months and acknowledge my anxiety stems from the fact that I want summers back, the kind with long days and seemingly limitless choices. These experiences were critical to my development, I think, and I desperately want Slim and Lunchbox to have these same types of opportunities.

As Kathy mentioned to me, however, these kinds of summers “aren’t possible any more for us.” And let’s be real: even if I did have summers off I would still be looking for things to do with the kids, who most likely would not want to sit around and read all day. Hello, adulthood calling. Responsibility on lines one and two. There is no going back, only forward, and I can’t let unrealistic expectations mess up my head.

The other guilt-inducing part is murkier. As a mother, isn’t it my job to spend time with my kids? I find it impossible to reconcile my roles as Mom and Working Mom during the summer months. My job is deathly quiet in the summer but I still have to show up and appear to be working even though I’d much rather be goofing off with Slim.

These thoughts hurl me into an ugly insecurity spiral: what the hell are my priorities? Why do we live in an area where two incomes are required? Kids are only young once, you know, and you are fracking it. all. up. Why did you even have kids if you can’t spend time with them? You are a terrible mother.

Ugh. A solution must exist. It may be as simple as taking a vacation day once every few weeks and declaring it “Slim and Mom” time. It might be as complicated as changing careers (anybody need an English teacher? I have no experience or certification but I sure do love words and books!). This isn’t coping at all; it’s a mess. And I don’t like it one bit.

— Tiffany

I’m not very good at summer. I’m not talking about the heat, the humidity, the bugs, the sand, or the sunscreen, although I’m no good at them, either. I’m talking about the vast expanses of unstructured time.

This is pretty ironic, because, as an introvert, I’m all about the unstructured time. I need it, I crave it. If I had 10 weeks to myself… sorry, my head just exploded.

But managing Doodlebug’s summer is one of my biggest challenges as a parent. It’s gotten easier – iDad was still working in an office when she was small, so I basically resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t get any writing done until preschool started again in September. Now that he works at home we have much more flexibility, but it’s still complicated.

How much of Doodlebug’s time should be completely open? If we sign her up for camp, will she hate it? (Still smarting from the Art Camp Debacle of ’12.) When can she see her friends, who are all on different home/camp/vacation schedules? Do we get to take a vacation? When will iDad and I work? And how will I fit in my own downtime?

The last one, of course, is where I always get tripped up. As a kid, summer was a time for slowing down — sleeping in, reading, taking a break from the social pressures of school and being by myself for a change. But now that I’m a mom, summer is exactly when things ramp up. I feel like Doodlebug’s social director, carefully planning enough fun to keep her entertained but not over-committed.

We spend more time together, which is wonderful. During the school year, we only get about six hours of Doodlebug time a day. Most of that is rushing through our schedule, trying to hit our targets: breakfast, dropoff, pickup, dinner, homework, bedtime. I don’t miss that craziness. But that doesn’t change the fact that summer, with more emphasis on my Mom role, is draining for me.

I know, from past summers, that certain things do not work. Wide-open days with nothing planned? Cranky mom, cranky kid. Swapping half-work days with iDad? The blocks of time were too short to accomplish much, and we never spent time as a family. Vacation here, camp there, free week in between? No routine, and I thrive on routine (so do kids, I hear). Playground playdate + picnic lunch + berry picking + pool? After two days of that I would need a week off to recover.

So here’s what we’re trying this year. The first part of our summer is pretty open. We have one mini trip scheduled, and Doodlebug will be spending some long weekends with her grandparents (thank you, grandparents!). But when she’s home I will plan morning activities, either playtime with friends or excursions with me and/or iDad.

I want us to be home in the afternoons, though, and we’re going to try an after-lunch family reading time. Stealth school skills for Doodlebug, downtime for me. iDad is our pool parent, so hopefully they can fit in some water time in the late afternoons. More downtime for me. And if all else fails I will have my precious evening time.

Then comes the camp phase – Doodlebug and Princess Slim are signed up for four weeks of camp together, which I hope will solve the “But I don’t have any friennnnnds there!” issue from summers past. And I’m also hoping that grouping the camps in a block will let me get in several good weeks of writing. Taking that month-long break beforehand will give me a chance to organize my thoughts about my novel. Or so I’m telling myself.

After the camps we’ll have a family vacation and then one totally free week before school starts. I want to keep this as open as possible, both to give Doodlebug a chance to transition back to the school year schedule and to give us time to eat plenty of ice cream. I will let you know how it goes…

— Kathy

The Introverted Mom

You know who you are.

Tag Archives: summer

The Paradox of Summer

Summer by the Book

Summer Shake-Up

Tripped Up

Summer Campin’

The Crazy, Hazy (But Definitely Not Lazy) Days of Summer